Sunday, September 9, 2018 10:44pm

Berkeley – Moon Room

 

Dear You,

I went to sleep last night reading Mindful Eating and before that I Amazoned 4 types of supplements (Ceylon Cinnamon, Bitter Melon, Glucomamman, and Shen Min) and a jade roller and gua sha scraping tool. I of course went on a youtube rabbithole of how to properly use a jade roller and gua sha.

I fell asleep on the biomat for a minute, and went to bed bed at 1. I woke up at 7:14am, P was gone. I thought maybe he was at Blue Bottle, but then I heard some shuffling upstairs. I grabbed Cutie, my recorder and blanket and went upstairs. P was making a green smoothie.

I laid on the biomat. He wants to return the giant Budget truck early today. The plan was we were gonna uber down the hill to the truck and empty it of the cardboard boxes then return it. I told him I need 30 minutes, I’m moving slowly. I can tell P was in a engergized get shit done kinda mood. He moves so quickly in the morning.

He said that’s fine, he takes off for Blue Bottle. I fall asleep and wake up around 8:44am. P must’ve returned the truck himself.

I feel rested. I got up and started tidying up the kitchen. I moved the Breville espresso knock box and coffee bean grinder in the pantry. There’s no need for them anymore. When we first moved in P used to make his lattes at home, now he has his blue bottle ritual, which I personally like as well. It gives us our alone time in the morning. I get to go slow and make my lemon water, he gets to move fast and have his latte.

I was in a cleaning mood. So I started tackling the dusty BM bins in the garage. One by one I started emptying out the bins. I washed theblankets, loaded up the dishwasher, it was a very mediative day of cleaning, purifying everything of the playa dust and putting everything back in its place.

When P got back, he ran the hose from the back to the front of the garage and started hosing down the empty bins. I stacked up on top of each other to dry, it kinda looks like our garage has a clear jenga art installation. I love how OCD we are, and I love how P tackles the big things (like returning the truck) while I tackle the small.

P takes off to get lunch with his folks at Iyasare. I hang back to continue emptying the bins. We had 11 bins. One for shoes, clothes, toiletires, kitchenware, pillows, blankets, snacks, bike gear, etc.

I made myself a pancake around noon and ate it mindfully.

Around 3 I made myself a taco and again ate it mindfully, outside.

That mindful eating book is working.

Something is shifting within me. Yesterday I felt like I was out of control wirth my eating and I felt disgusted with myself. Today I feel even and calm.

Maybe it’s the new moon.

.

After I had done most of the unpacking and got myself pretty dusty, I showered.

.

P came back with his mom and dad around 3:30. I had just ladi down a fitted sheet int he guest room, knowing that his dad might need to rest, he did. He was was quite happy with the giant bed setup.

Me and his mom watched and aided P in his attempt to dyson vacuum the playa dust off of N’s Northface suitcase, which P was taking back with him to LA to return to him.

As she looked into the empty toad room, P’s mom said the house is so lovely. She rarely says anything so positive.

Oh, thank you.

It makes me happy when others can see it too. That I’m not the only one quite taken by this house.

The weather has been so beautiful these past couple of days, and yet I’ve been inside all day yesterday and most of today, it’s only because the house is so bright and inviting, I can’t bare to leave it. I just want to bask in it while i still can.

I’m so gratfeult hat we’re not selling the house this Fall. That I still have a few more months to soak it all in.

.

You’re so weird, I love you, P keeps on saying that to me.

For a weirdo, it’s all I can ever hope for.

.

It’s been a day of purifying..

.

With his folk’s luggage, plus P’s, and N’s, there’s not enough room in the car fro all 5 of us to ride to dinner.

The question is are you coming to dinner with us, P asks.

I felt into it..

 

.

At Paulista’s P’s dad says to me,

Do you wanna hear a Chinese proverb, that’s not Chinese nor a proverb?

yeah.

A man who laughs at himself is always happy.

He said that’s his own proverb.

.

 

I’m reading the Samyutta Nikaya..

 

How many are asleep when others are awake?

How many are awake when others sleep?

By how many does one gather dust?

By how many is one purified?

.

I had a dream that I visited a quaint sewing macine shop in a desolate-ish Oaklandish neighborhood. I thin I need to start learning how to sew.

.

Tomorrow I might try to get back to everyone..

.

 

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, plantain pancake I made from P’s batter, the last bite of the keto lemon poppy pound cake S made, a bacon egg spinach taco I made, a bite of several empanadas, guave and queso, ham and cheese, veggie, heart of palm the Moqueca (fish stew with jasmine rice, collard greens and farofa, a bite of the flan I ordered and shared with everyone

 

 

Monday, September 10, 2018 11:44am

Berkeley – Orgy Room

 

Dear You,

I went to bed around 11 and woke up at 9am. I feel amazing. And way lighter.

Note to self and anyone feeling blah: Get tons and tons of rest. And drink alkaline spring water before you go to bed.

Maybe I haven’t been getting that much rest because my ultra sensitive abandonment senses always wakes me up when I hear P get up.

It sure feels different to wake up alone

And have this entire house all to my self again.

.

I send P an alien animoji

Hello. Helllo? Hello??Boy it suare does feel different here without you..

.

He replies an hour later with a poopy guy animoji.

He’s in Hollywood with his parents, and they just saw the star for John Wayne.

.

P.S. I’m recording myself writing to you right now…

5:22pm

Dear You,

As I was closing my browser tabs (which is rare for me), I landed on my youtube page, then I had this random idea to search for plaaastic, this one vietnamese artist who committed suicide last year.

To my surprise she posted an explanation this past June an explanation as to why she faked her suicide.

Amazing. She’s still alive.

I have this crazy desire to reach out, even though she’s in hiding..

.

Day 2 of eating mindfully.

Game changer.

Fixed myself a salad in a decent sized glass bowl instead of a large mixing bow.

.

For the first time I ate until I was 4/5 full

Instead of 111% full

.

Had no idea

Eating can be a form of meditation

I feel like after I eat mindfully

Everything after becomes a meditation

BTW food tastes more amazing..

.

Read passages from the The Connected Discourses of the Buddha

.

BTW that’s Cutie up top. Taken today in the orgy room.

.

 

I think I’m gonna try to catch the 6pm Aerial Class.

Finally gonna do this.

.

12:12am

 

I think I found my new aerial class place. I like the instructor, the space is nice (and clean), and the class is small (there was 6 of us, with 3 newbies including me). The music in the background was interesting, Greenday, Wilco, Neutral Milk Hotel, and the Decemberists. It brought me back to high school and college. And the space was relatively close to home, unlike the Circus Center, which was across the bay.

I, of course, got the multi class package. I also asked the instructor if she gives private lessons.

.

The aerial class was conveniently close to D’s house. It took 4 minutes to get there. D’s roommate E was home, I haven’t seen him in years. We hugged and briefly caught up. Then D and I (kinda randomly) got dinner at Xyclo ( I was trying to get to Teni East Kitchen but ended up on Piedmont) and then we slipped into the Fox theatre 40 min into the set and caught the rest of War on Drugs.

.

How’s it going, D? I ask as we drive to dinner.

Pretty meh.

Oh. I see.

(I know he’s been depressed)

.

Whenever we’re together, I feel like the optimistic kid who makes D laugh by being kinda weird and muppety. For being a quiet perpetual downer, I feel like we get along really well.

 

You flew into Burning Man? How much was that?

11K.

What?

I know.

.

I told him about my Burning Man experience.

.

I feel like you’ve really changed. Remember when you used to avoid the sun?

Oh yeah.

And remember 8 years ago, you never smoked weed.

I know. It’s crazy. But it feels good to change.

.

I felt like I was cheating on you when I saw Beach House a couple of weeks ago, D said as we were eating, it made me remember how we used to lay in your room and listen to Beach House.

(I actually don’t specifically remember us doing that, but I do remember us listening to Spoon on the stereo he got me the night of my birthday.)

It’s cool, D, I’ve seen them play before. They put on such a good show.

I really do think Beach House is super incredible, they’re true artists who have perfected their craft.

.

D says he hasn’t seen me in 4 months. We had a lot of catching up to do.

.

You’re not living with your friend anymore?

Nope.

.

What documentary?

Oh right, I’m making a pervette documentary.

.

You wanna move in with me? D asks, we never lived together. I think he’s being partly facetious, partly serious.

Hmm, but I kinda want to live in a tree house..

.

The air was so nice, it made Downtown Oakland feel so pleasant.

.

Wasn’t there a Rudy’s there?

Yeah, it failed.

.

I need to catch more shows at the Fox. Sitting in the mezzanine is the way to go.

Just checked.

Neko Case is playing in December..

.

Can we duck out before the crowd so I can see if they have a tote bag at the merch table? I ask D.

Let’s go now.

.

There was no War on Drugs tote bag. Oh well.

At least we avoided the crowd.

.

I thought there was a fat chance you weren’t gonna make it out tonight, D said as I dropped him off.

You were right. I haven’t been feeling social lately and I wasn’t sure if I was gonna make it. But something told me I should see you..

.

Even though I didn’t get to build out the sub path or continue with the domme guide on pervette, it was still a very good day.

I did my reading for class.

I ate mindfully.

I took an aerial class

I saw D.

I caught a show.

And I didn’t eat any meat like my mom wanted me to on this new moon.

.

I got a text from G, my business partner, while I was at the show. She …

 

.

I think I’m gonna not set an alarm and ask my body to wake me up in time for class tomorrow..

 

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, a salad I made, Sweet Potato Awesome chips, pint of blackberries; Buddha spring rolls, papaya salad, and veggie medley claypot at Xyclo.

 

September, 11, 2018 5:55pm

Berkeley – Moon Room

 

Dear You,

It’s been such a lovely day..

.

I woke up from a telling dream at 7:39am, just enough time to get ready for my 9:40am class.

.

I was up late last night looking into more aerial silk and hoop classes in the east bay. If I’m diligent, I can go to class 3 times a week.

.

In my dream I was at this cute little booth at the entrance of a store or library. The booth had a big wooden handmade combination lock. I turned it with my hand, intuitively knowing where to stop and turn. It felt like I was feeling into the pressure. Instead of digits for the combination, there were destinations. I remember stopping at Vietnam.

I unlocked the lock. There was a little boy next to me. I showed him what was inside. It was a a tin box with a collection of children’s books in German. It was printed on thick cardboard0like pages and it looked as thought it was printed in the 80’s.

.

I decided to shower without washing my hair, which made it so I was 10 minutes early to class, and G, the teacher commented on how punctual we were. It’s strange, prior to these past two weeks, I’ve never been early to class. I also usually wash my hair when I shower.

.

Somehow I think it’s important to note the subtle changes that I’m making, because it seems to be making a difference in my subtle energy.

.

I’m not rushing, I’m moving more mindfully.

Everything feels like a meditation.

.

Before I took off, I checked my email and read my horoscope delivered from Rob Breznhy:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Anthropologist Margaret Mead had definite
ideas about “the ways to get insight.” She named them as follows: “to
study infants; to study animals; to study indigenous people; to be
psychoanalyzed; to have a religious conversion and get over it; to have a
psychotic episode and get over it.” I have my own list of ways to spur
insight and inspiration, which includes: to do walking meditations in the
woods on a regular basis, no matter what the weather; to engage in long,
slow sex with a person you love; to spend a few hours reviewing in detail
your entire life history; to dance to music you adore for as long as you
can before you collapse from delighted exhaustion. What about you,
Aquarius? What are your reliable ways to get insight? I suggest you
engage in some of them, and also discover a new one. You’re in the Flood
of Radical Fresh Insights Phase of your astrological cycle.

.

In class, we delve into the readings. Which at first pass, seems light and easy to read, but as we unpack the words and repetition, it felt like we were unlocking some secret code.

.

I got really excited when the teachers described the research papers that are due week 6 and 11.

The research involves doing a textual analysis of the Samyutta Nikaya.

We were to come up with a question and then collect data from the text..

.

The older classmate to my right was using this ball point pen that I used to borrow from my mom when I was little. I should’ve asked him if I can take a picture of it. Because the clear ridge-y barrel brought me back to when I was 5. His was blue, I remember mine being a clear pink barrel..

.

After class, I met up with M at the Musical Offering. I’m so glad she chose that spot (even though the food there is not lectin-free), that space brings me back to my early days of grad school. It’s this little bright quaint cafe that has a classical music store in the back, and it’s right next to one of my favorite bookstores, University Press Books. The pairing of the two side by side feels like the quintessential scholarly corner at Cal.

.

I haven’t seen M5 in forever. We actually never hung out. She’s the daughter of one of my graduate advisors. I still remember meeting her for the first time at Berkeley in a ed/psych lab. I was still an undergrad at UCLA visiting Cal in the spring before I started my first year there as a grad student. I mistook her for a grad student, but at the time she was just a junior in high school.

15 years later, she’s now a postdoc at Cal. And she emailed me out of the blue wanting to get coffee and catch up. Even though I’ve been guarding my time these days, there was something so random and right about saying yes to her.

.

I had a feeling she wanted to meet because she found out I was a domme.

I was right.

.

Her eyes lit up when I told her that I’ve been a dominatrix for a while.

She said, I know, my mom told me!

.

She said she laughed so hard when her mom told her. Because she would’ve never guessed.

.

I love it when that happens.

.

I also love how M is curious to learn more about this world.

It’s a good thing when nerdy girls want to explore kink.

.

We talked at length about bdsm, Carl Jung’s The Red Book, Billion’s Wendy Rhoades, changing norms, dispelling misconceptions, social intelligence as a superpower

.

We’re gonna start a Carl Jung The Red Book Reading Club

.

After we parted, I went into the University Press Books store, in a back corner there was a book collection of a deceased journalist and professor for sale, everything was 5 bucks. I got 4 books: Alice Munro’s Dear Life, Camus’ Notebooks, and 2 others..

I also got a postcard that read..

.

It was such a nice day. Sunny, School is back and in full swing. I strolled through campus…

.

There was a a 6 ft wall painted black and up on the top, were the words, I CRAVE…

The people running that booth and wall were handing passersby a paint marker to write on the wall.

As I wrote pervette on the wall, the fellow sitting behind the wall was casually asking me questions..

.

What are you studying?

Buddhism.

Seems like there’s a lot to learn from it.

Yeah, there is.

What have you recently learned?

That the journey is internal and to cross the flood, you have to not stop or push too hard. You have to find the middle way..

.

Walked through this arcade of shops and landed in Friends of Berkeley Public Library. There was a young African American couple hovering around the spirituality section. I asked the gal if she knew where the prices are on the books. She said she just found out herself that all their books are donations and are priced at $2 for softcover or $2.50 for hardcover.

 

What? What a deal! I said.

I know, she said.

I went through the shelves of the of spirituality section.

This is my process, I scan the titles and covers, if something about it speaks to me, I open up the book randomly and start reading. If the line compels me, I must get it.

There were many lines that compelled me.

Excited me.

The bookstore was about to close.

When I checked out, I told the clerk, thank god you’re closing.

Judging by my ridiculous stack of books, she knew exactly what I was talking about.

.

Couldn’t help myself, I went to 3 bookstores, got 20 used books .. for 50 dollars.. not bad, right?

.

Just called mom. She’s on the treadmill at the gym. She says she has some pretty nasty mosquito bites on her legs. She says it’s no big deal althpugh they can carry some viruses.

I texted my sister, Mom says she has some nasty bites on her legs. Should we be concerned?

I googled news “mosquitoes orange county.”

Apparently there’s been an outbreak of Aedes mosquitoes in the OC and LA.

.

I want to read, but I can’t stop masturbating .

.

Just trying to stay focused on one thing at a time these days..

.

Must’ve been all the off diet stuff I ate today, I’m hitting an evening slump.

.

Just binge-watched 3 episodes of Wild Wild Country. It just keeps on getting crazier. Falling asleep..

Things I had: ACV, lemon water, pistachios as my mid-class snack, a spinach and onion quiche with butternut squash soup and side salad at Musical Offering when I was catching up with M5, a bar of Lulu’s raw almond chocolate, miso cod I sauteed with some leftover claypot veggies and rice from Xyclo, blackberries.

Wednesday, September, 12, 2018 5:55pm

Round Table – Berkeley

 

Dear You,

It’s been a perfect day.

I remembered/recorded my dream.

I brushed my teeth with my non-dominant (submissive?) right hand.

I read.

I cleaned meditatively.

I ate moderately and mindfully.

I breathed in fresh air.

I jumped on the aerial silk.

Most importantly, I wrote

I pervetteed.

I’m opening a new rabbithole

With my philosophy

.

It’s getting chilly

The sky is light yellow, blue and gray

Depending on where I turn

And close the door

.

I wrote

it flowed

because

i slowed

down

.

i write

then i

meticulously

iteratively

place the words.

 

.

There’s something about words

and the space in between them

that I can get obsessed about

.

P2 came over at 6:30pm

With lemons that he picked from his friends yard.

How did he know that I wanted him to bring some?

We haven’t hung out in over 2 1/2 weeks

.

He told me about his week with Cutie.

They watched films together, went on hikes

.

How one one hike in Marin, he showed Cutie some waterspiders on the creek, and on the way back, they passed that some junction and he had this sense she wanted to see the waterspiders again. her request almost broke his heart, so he took her back to see the waterspiders..

.

He went into a trance with her sitting on his chest one night

And this insight came to him..

.

All of reality is pouring into this moment.

.

He said it doesn’t make any sense. One can argue that it’s all his projection on to Cutie but he really does feel like it’s something outside of himself.

I know, I tell him, I’m so glad you’re experiencing it too, because this is what I’ve been feeling about her for a long time.

.

He said he didn’t really believe in the metaphysical and supernatural until Cutie.

.

There is something quite (or very) magical about her.

.

It’s interesting how the skeptical mind can close off so much magic. But if you allow yourself to see the world like a child would, all that magic is still there.

.

When she’s in the room with me, it really feels like there’s someone there, P2 says.

I know.

.

She’s like a wise sage and little child at the same time, says P2 as he picks her up holds her delicately by his chest.

It’s a little bit crazy how my feeling about Cutie are affirmed by P2.

.

P2 said he cried a little after I picked her up when I got back from Burning Man.

I love what’s coming over P2. This is all

I made us egg tacos, with bacon for me.

Then we went for a walk to catch the sunset.

P2 set Cutie up in his open satchel. She was sitting on top of his sweater and so her head is exposed and see she can see everything

You just upped your cute factor, I told P2 as I watch him carry her along on his side.

P2 mentioned something about a cold front coming in

Which made for a pink purply sky.

Which I captured on video.

P2 thinks I should video more often and post these videos of the things I see.

I tell him I have been videoing a bunch. And I plan on posting.

.

Maybe Cutie is willing me to create a tumblr blog of her, P2 theorizes.

Maybe. I mean it is strange that you can’t create a website for your own business, but you can for her, I said.

.

I showed P2 where I’m storing all his watercolored quotes. In a little notebook I got in Japan. The notebook looks like a classic book. The title reads, An encouragement of Learning by Yukichi Fukuzawa.

.

I showed P2 all the books I got on Tuesday. We would pick up a book, and start reading a passage to each other.

.

 

I sent P2 home with some brussel sprouts, my Xyclo veggie claypot leftover, a copy of Rob Breznhy’s Pronoia (since I had two copies).

 

.

I promised Mom I would call her back last night but I didn’t. So I called her back. She sounded tired, as usual. She was just watching some videos on Youtube. I told her about my new thing, intermittent fasting, and how she should try it out since she’s been very conscious of her weight.

When you don’t eat after 6 or 7, you go to bed earlier and sleep more, and sleep is the key to weight loss.

She was mildly intrigued but some part of her knew that would involve changing her habits, which is not easy for her to do.

What time are you going to bed these days? I ask her.

Around the same time 3 or 4am.

Jesus. The reason why you’re up so late is because you eat late and you like eating fruit at night. That sugar spike keeps you up.

None of what I’m saying is convincing her to change her ways.

She segues into if we’re still planning on selling the house. Then she questions why is P wanting to sell the house, why does he prefer to spend so much money on renting an apt instead? Why pay 8 or 16K in rent when you can pay off your mortgage? Why did you guys go with a 30 year plan instead of 15? You’re still just paying off all that interest. Look at me, I paid off this house in less than 9 years and we’re almost done paying off our second house.

I dunno, Mom.

I start tuning her out when her tone gets critical and naggy.

.

How is your friend who moved out doing?

Uh, I dunno. I saw her two weeks ago at Burning Man.

I thought you said she was broke. How could she be there if she’s broke?

I think that’s why.

.

How was it seeing her?

It was good. I mean it was better than the last time we saw each other.

That’s good.

.

I don’t know why you thought it was a good idea to bring her in. I told you it was a bad idea to bring someone into your home. It’s so uncomfortable to live with someone.

She was in a bad place after her breakup. She didn’t have a home or car and I did. I just wanted to help her out.

You’re like me, you like living alone. It’s really strange that you brought her in.

I don’t know what it was. I was just following my intuition. I mean everything was great at first.

Then what happened?

I felt like I was becoming the husband.

That’s not good. What does P think now that she’s gone?

He’s happy that we have our space and privacy back. And he thinks it’s great progress that I know how to verbalize things that were hard for me to say like, Hey we can’t do this anymore.

See I told you it was a bad idea. You should’ve listened to me.

Mom, I don’t regret doing it. Now I know.

.

A, my former lover texted, When are we hanging out?

I reply with a question, When are you free to come over to Berkeley?

(He lives in the city).

He replies, Next week.

And double-dips, What are your thought and feelings about Vegas?

And triple-dips, Two options to see each other this weekend as well. Camping Saturday or Vegas Sunday.

.

Hmm. He’s breaking his usual form. I think he took my advice (the last time we met) and broke up with his girlfriend. Hence all this free space to invite me out.

A is prolly the guy I know who can still make my heart skip a beat, even today.

I reply, I don’t think I can get away this weekend. I’m trying to stay focused on Pervette. I leave for NY next Wed, Tue is a possiblity or after I get back?

(Even as I say Tue is a possibility, I’m not sure if I can pull it off since P is taking off at 3 that day and I gotta get ready for NY, but I don’t want to say let’s hang in October after his triple-dipping)

Who am I?

A is almost literally the man of every woman’s dream. He’s handsome, charming, wicked smart, funny, incredibly kind, highly evolved, high EQ, and a CEO of a super successful startup and still in his thirties. And get this, he wants to settle down and start a family. I know. It’s insane how objectively perfect he is. When I’m with him, I feel like I’m in a romcom with Ryan Gosling, because he’s that unreal, but he’s real, which makes it even more surreal.

He’s mentioned several times (in a joking kinda way) how cute and brilliant our daughter would be if we had one.

He knows I’m on the no kids trek.

But for a minute

When I was on shrooms, MDMDA and acid

I did see us having a daughter.

I even thought of her name.

Then I quickly came to my senses.

A is also the only guy I’ve let top me in the past decade.

And how is it now that he’s single (I’m assuming), and yet I have no desire to have sex with him. Or with anybody really for that matter.

Is it a product of getting older or is it all the meditating and letting go of desire that I’m doing?

Or am I becoming an essentialist?

And the only thing that’s essential to me right now is Pervette.

Whatever it is, it feels great.

.

P calls me as he was on his way back from a Psychedelic Dinner. He says he’s trying to be more social. I tell him I think he’s doing a great job. He thinks he’s still very awkward.

I tell him he’s great.

He says he knows he’s come a long way since Bali (we fell in love in Bali, and so that’s our reference point of how much we’ve changed since we first fell in love there), but he’s nowhere near N (N is our new friend since hanging out with him more  at Burning Man).

I mean the guy is short and bald and had girls falling all over him, P says, I know I have work to do to get there.

I like how P is becoming more aware of his social intelligence (or the lack thereof). I reassure him that he’s doing great.

Just don’t say fucked up things .

Like, Yeah if you lose 5 pounds I would date you (which is what P likes to say jokingly to girls).

Can you not say that Mupps?? No one finds it funny.

Except for me, he says while laughing at his own offensive joke.

I can’t believe you said that in front of S (P’s brother’s gf).

It was a joke.

How many times do I have to tell you? No girl finds that funny.

P has definitely come a long way. He used to say  offensive things like that all the time. This is him getting better.

.

When are you planning on coming in Sunday? I ask P.  We try to coordinate our Sun-Tue. I tell him that I want to take an aerial class Sunday and Monday, and I have a potential meeting with P3 on Tue but wanted to check in with him first if he wants some QT.

He likes how we’re being so delicate with our scheduling and keeping each other in mind.

.

Why are you all of a sudden into aerial stuff?

Well, if we’re gonna sell the house and we only have a few months left here. I might as well take advantage of the hoop and silk in our house, I mean we’ve had the silk and hoop up for over two years. I don’t want to leave the house with the regret that I never learned how to do anything with it.

That’s good, P says.

I put on an audible book

(which I haven’t done in years, maybe I had this idea that I’m a book purist)

Essentialism, by Greg McKewon

I fell asleep on the biomat listening to it.

I woke up around 4am, the author/narrator was on Ch 14.

Maybe I absorbed all those chapters subconsciously.

I turned it off and went downstairs and went to sleep in the bedroom.

 

 

 

 

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, hickory smoked pistachios, a hearty salad I made and ate on the grass, green smoothie I made, bar of Lulu’s raw almond chocolate, tulsi tea, Level’s viper cookies vape, 2 egg tacos I made for me and P2) 4 figs

 

 

Thursday, September 13, 2018, 2:22pm

Round Table – Berkeley

 

Dear You,

I woke up at 9:34am. I got 9 1/2 hours of sleep. That’s a lot. I felt a little groggy. I did my morning pages.

The security camera started moving and stopped at me, P’s voice came through the speaker, Hello? Is there a mupp there?

I freeze and look into the camera. I act like a mupp that’s been caught in action.

P was about to get some acupuncture he just wanted to check in and see what I was doing.

 

.

And slowly I started moving around a little bit more. As I topped off the hot tub, I did some push-ups. Pulled out my jump rope from the gym closet (haven’t pulled that thing out in years) and started jumping rope. That felt good.

I grilled some asparagus and put them in my egg tacos. I’ve been obsessed with egg tacos. When I’m on a kick, I can’t stop..

I ate my tacos mindfully in the sun, on the grass. Then I wrote up the rest of last night.

If I had the time I would go back and fill in the details and every moment of every day. I still haven’t told you about Burning Man.

I feel like I’m overwhelmed by how there’s so much to tell you. And I’m also keenly aware of how unforgettable Burning Man so my drive to record it all is lessened because a part of me knows that I won’t forget.

It’s the parts that I think I might forget that I’m trying to put down.

It’s weird. What you have is what I might forget.

You don’t have the AMAZING memorable parts of my weeks because I was too caught up in it and still haven’t had time to tell you all about it.

I don’t know what to tell you. Other than you’re getting a part of the whole. And at some point I’ll fill in the rest.

Funny how everything here, including my entries to you is subject to change.

Time. I need more time..

.

I thought I was gonna dive into the sub path today, but I got carried away journaling.

Time to switch gears…

It takes a minute to.

.

I have a goal that I’ll get off my 3 year sabbatical this October and start taking sessions again. But first I need to build out the structure on Pervette that allows me to screen my potential subs in a completely different way..

.

I’ve been eating super cleanly since yesterday. I can feel the difference in my body.

.

Yesterday I found out that there’s a new legit crepe place that opened up in Berkeley. I was slightly craving it and was tempted to drive down the hill and check it out. That desire is waning now that I feel so good running on the food that I’ve been cooking and putting inside me.

.

I haven’t washed my hair since Sunday. Was it Sunday evening that I was watching some youtube personality talk about how much better it is to not wash your hair everyday, she did a video detailing her 5 days of not washing her hair and how she styles it differently from day to day to manage the increasing oiliness of it. I never thought I could do go 5 days without washing my hair, yet here I am. It’s not that bad.

I feel like I want to keep on changing and breaking all my old habits..

.

 

7:33pm

 

I was just about to light an incense and say a prayer to Guanyin when I heard a knock on the door. My Bordelle lingerie arrived.

.

I opened my goodies, texted S2 to let him know that I got his present.

.

I opened up my new book I got called Sacred Dance:

.

Ecstatic liberation of the self was sought in Dionysian dances. Dionysus was honored with orgiastic rites which, like the dream, offer a sense of freedom from the limitations of the body.

.

I was also reading the Book of the Courtesans and got to the subchapter The Way She Danced

.

I smoked a little bit of DMT..

put on my new lingerie and veil

turned on the security camera..

 

and went into a trance

and did my Dionysian Dance..

.

Oh my Goddess,

I hope you go deep with me to the next level.

Because I’m having so much fun

dancing

playing and

making art

for you.

 

.

I’ve been thinking about catching Three Identical Twins with D, since he’s depressed and his therapist says he needs to do more social activities. But a part a huge part of me wants to stay home and make films for pervette.

.

I call P up. And we exchange these muppety sounds, Uh-huh…uh-huh..

P’s acupuncturist says the best conversations are the ones with the fewest words

Ooo I like that so I started writing that down (above)

Hey! I can see you typing Mupps, it’s like you’re even listening to me, P says as he watches mw through the security camera.

Jesus! I was just writing what your acupuncturist said,  I says as I throw my hands up, Look, I’m done typing.

I really like this security camera thing, P says.

Yeah, me too.

It’s like the right level of distance or attention for you. You don’t feel smothered or-

Abandoned, we both said it at the same time.

I know, I says, it’s perfect.

.

I can see you touching yourself and sniffing your hand.

Anyways..

.

I told P if he wants to come out to NY when I’m there he can.

He says that’s really nice of me to make him feel included. He thought about it earlier and thinks it’s best to stay grounded for now.

.

I just put goat butter in my cocoa reishi tea, plus maca and mucuna pruriens. Not a bad idea.. It tastes like a neopolitan chcocolate ice cream from the 80’s.

Because who eats neopolitan ice cream anymore?

.

If you haven’t heard from me via text, email, insta, twitter, etc. it’s because I’m here.

On Pervette.

What if I disappear everywhere else and the only way to find me is here.

That’s not a bad thing.

That’s not a bad idea..

.

I called D, we’re getting supper at this new place I’m curious about on Saturday.

.

Since I’ve been back from Burning Man I’ve been going deep into my restaurant, there’s so many new places I want to check out..

11:55pm

Dear You,

 

It was such a good day.

I slowly woke up.

I exercised.

I cooked,

I ate mindfully.

I wrote

I read

I prayed

I smoked DMT

I got to break into my new lingerie

I danced

I recorded

I created a new page on pervette

I’m so grateful for this space

The creative freedom

To stretch out

And play.

.

If tomorrow

I can carve out the sub path

make lip balm

make another video

read the Samyutta Nikaya

it’ll be another good day.

.

I just watched the video of my last tarot reading..

I want to share it with you.

Eventually.

.

Wit + tits

That’s what I got to use..

.

What I’m reading: Sacred Economics, Sacred Dance, The Book of the Courtesans, Book of Mutter, I wrote this for you

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, 2 bacon egg asparagus tacos plus more asparagus, bar of Lulu’s raw almond chocolate, few pistachios, sips of green smoothie I made yesterday, DMT, egg avocado taco, plantain pancake plus blackberries, reishi cocoa tea plus maca and mucuna pruriens and goat butter

 

Friday, September 14, 2018

 

Dear You,

I didn’t write to you today. (It’s the next day as I write this).

I guess I was tired of being indoors and making/eating egg tacos (as yummy as they were) so I went out.

I went to Sanctuary and had a late lunch there. As I read Sacred Economics.

.

I didn’t even get to tell you about the night before. I was up till 4am. I felt like I had an a-ha moment.

Like it was so perfect that I’m starting at 0.

.

Because I have nothing

Every thing that comes after is truly a gift.

.

I turned on Photobooth and… 

.

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, shot of hot cocoa plus reishi and cayenne, roasted beet salad, portobella po-boy dilla at Sanctuary, bar of Lulu’s chocolate, some blackberries and figs, Level’s Viper Cookies

Saturday, September 15, 2018 3:33pm

Berkeley – Moon Room

 

Dear You,

I’m recording myself writing to you.

It’s been a lovely day.

I did everything I wanted to do.

I played on the silk

I did 10 pushups

I cut my hair

I made a salad and ate it outside on the grass

I laid out and read the Connected Discourses of the Buddha

And I got to film

All of it.

Everything has slowed down.

.

Now I’m about to dig a rabbithole in Pervette..

Wish me luck..

.

11:11pm

 

I’m not so sure if I made it too far with the rabbitholing, but I am having fun writing free form verses..

.

I got this idea. It’s very me. All potential subs will be able to apply via snail mail.

What can I say, I’m old school, and I love collecting handwriting.

And I want to make you work it.

 

.

I ate a ton of fresh tortilla chips from Comal this evening, it was so yummy..

.

 

When I saw how blissed out P2 was laying on the sofa with Cutie sitting on his heart, I said okay, you can babysit Cutie when I’m in NY.

Oh thank you! said P2.

He was so happy.

.

I came home to Cutie sitting on top of a Woody Allen “Manhattan” quote

I was about to take a picture of it

Then the security camera came on..

Are you taking a picture of Cutie?

I can hear P and another girl were laughing in the background

Why is it that every time I’m checking on you, you’re always taking a picture of Cutie?

.

I took 3 calls today.

First was from M4 (can’t keep up with M’s). She was struggling financially, thinks she’d make a good time but her husband wouldn’t be cool with it.

Should I talk to him?

She says it’s cool. She wonders if she’s giving it too much.

She wrote a piece that will come out on Quilette (I love that name), about how ridiculous affirmative consent is. How the guy in college has to ask for consent for everything, like taking off his own sweater or kissing a or else he might be called a rapist.

Why can’t they just use safe words?

.

Dad calls. I feel like 40% of me being useful to my parents is me helping them with their apple updates and remembering their ids and passwords.

.

A calls. Boy drama. This cutie she found at Burning Man just dropped of the face of the earth after all this talk about coming out to NY and making this relationship work. She’s feeling triggered.

I think it’s a double whammy because she’s apparently a relationship guru and here she is feeling what she doesn’t want to feel, because apparently she knows better.

I tell her it’s about her orientation.

You think I should date girls?

No I mean it’s the way you come into it.

You said this was going to be a different Burning Man for you, but halfway into it, you were on the hunt for a cutie again, locked in on one, and fell for him, and into the same pattern.

(She has a tendency to fall for guys who don’t have time for her)

God! Why does he have to be so cute? And soft spoken! And performs acts of service! Fuck!

.

I think you need to write about this. How as a relationship expert you can still be susceptible to these cycles that are hard to break. You may understand everything about relationships intellectually. But you’re gonna still feel what you feel. And that feeling is what’s going to charge your writing and make you relate-able to all the other women out there who are in the same place and falling for unavailable men.

.

It’s really hard to tell someone to stop doing what they’ve been doing.

Stop searching for the one. Stop falling for your type.

.

I tell A that P was never my type, and it wasn’t until 4 years later and on acid did I realize that the one who isn’t your type is probably the one you’re supposed to be with.

.

There’s no man of your dreams out there, just waiting for you. There are mostly just boys out there. And to get what you truly want or need, you have to do the work in training them and helping them grow with you.

.

How come they aren’t any cults with female leaders, I ask D as I inhale these super oily tortilla chips.

Do you want to start a cult?

No, I just want a cultish following.

.

The Woody Allen quote P2 wrote out and left Cutie sitting on:

Mary: I got a million facts at my finger tips

Isaac: That’s right, and they don’t mean a thing, right because nothing worth knowing can be understood by the mind. Everything important has to enter you through a different opening

 

.

Oh here’s some security cam footage of me hanging around the house this morning

.

Good night

What I put inside me: AVC, lemon water, a yummy salad I made and ate out in the sun on the grass, maca chocolate, almonds, bag of plantain chips, al pastor taco, chicken taco, chips, guacamole and salsa, sips of hibiscus lemonade with D at Comal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back to my previous week