Ask Colette Anything: Do I tell my boyfriend I want to be a dominatrix?

Hello Domina Colette,

I have a secret. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck between two different worlds and I’m not sure which is in my best interest.

First a little background. When I was about fifteen I accidentally came across a portfolio of my mothers kinky photos in a memorabilia box. It was in her closet and my intention were only to see old photos of our past. But here they were. These intimate, beautiful, sensual photos of my kinky mother. It was never a secret my mother used to be a professional dominatrix in 2000. She was a mistress at the Gates, the very same you once played at. She would occasionally mention her BDSM past and how she cherished her experience. I would rummage through her old gear that were tucked far underneath her bed and put on her outfits. It was all silly (and in most eyes inappropriate). I, her daughter, trying to squeeze my D cup breasts into a leather bra that was obviously too small, lace up in her Dark Garden corset, zip up some patent leather hot pants and pose in the mirror. I was delightfully intrigued, and ever since then I have fantasized on the idea of being a pro domme.

So… what did I do one I was of legal age? I contacted the Gates and met with the head mistress. What a surprise it was for her when she realized I was the same individual that she first met when I was four year old! I began my journey as a pro switch and was ready to explore BDSM in what I believed was a safe, educational, and lucrative environment. The issue was that at the same time I became romantically involved with sometime I crushed on for years. The most beautiful human being in my eyes. I tested the waters and brought up my interest in being a pro domme, but he isn’t someone who has any interest in the scene nor comfortable with the idea of dating a sex worker. I was discouraged, but decided ‘Hey, I’ll just do both and see which works out!’ I ended up keeping my involvement at the Gates a secret from him. As time progressed I kept up with this double life and found happiness on both sides of the spectrum. In one hand I found a community I had a deviant common interest with, in the other I found love. My relationship is practically perfect except for this “one little secret”. I became overwhelmed in my secrecy and in a constant state of paranoia. I  decided to go on an indefinite hiatus from the Gates after a disappointing experience with a client I personally liked a lot. Pile on being a full time student with limited funds, I ended up getting a normal job instead.

Here I am now. It’s been two months since and my fear has subsided. My relationship continues wonderfully and I couldn’t of asked for a more respectful and loving partner. I’ve settled into my new job and school is going well. But…. I am so bored! All I do at work is fantasize about beautiful lingerie, latex, leather, dominant women, bondage, pain, and pleasure. I miss it so much. How I yearn to slip on a pair of thigh highs, strut around in 6in heels and get payed for it. I don’t know if I can open up to my very vanilla significant other about my long kept secret. Unlike me he finds solace in heteronormative monogamy. I’m stuck. I’m selfish and want both, but I know I can’t.

What do I do now? I will eventually need to tell him, but when? How? Would he accept and still love me if I once again pursued this career?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I’m scared to even find out.

On another note. I’m pretty confident my ex-domme mother knows about my kinky alter ego. One doesn’t normally talk to their daughter about how much fun ballbusting is and ask if I would be interested in inheriting her equipment. I still haven’t officially told her, but I feel there is this unspoken knowledge of my professional BDSM experience. If only she brought this up months ago! Not after I had already left.

-Mistress R

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Mistress R,

First, I just want to say, I love your story of you following your mother’s heeled footsteps. It’s incredible.

Now to your questions:

What do I do now? I will eventually need to tell him, but when? How? Would he accept and still love me if I once again pursued this career?

I feel like your gut is telling you that you should talk to your guy. And so here’s my overly directive advice: You should go with your intuition, and be a dominatrix. And you need to talk to your guy about it soon. Give yourself a meaningful deadline (e.g., by the next new moon). Pick a day when you guys are both relaxed and have nothing to do. A Sunday. Go for a walk in the park. And tell him:

Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to share with you. But I’ve been afraid to because I’m worried that… (insert fears here—e.g., you would judge me, not accept me, not love me, etc).

Then you tell him everything. Here’s my rendering of all the pieces you have to tell (your crib notes):

  • How you started working as a pro domme around the same time you were getting together with him.
  • Because you brought the topic of being a pro domme once before and it was shot down, you felt as though you couldn’t share these desires with him for fear of making him uncomfortable
  • Tell him the story of you following your mom’s path, and how every step felt right and natural to you. Through nature and/or nurture, you know that this is encoded within you..
  • But because of your intense love for him (and your beliefs that you had to choose between his desire and yours), you choose his over yours.
  • And what you’ve learned from trying to ignore or suppress your desires is that you can’t. This is a part of you that needs to be expressed.
  • And when this part of you doesn’t have an outlet, you are unconsciously building resentment, which is insidiously toxic for the relationship (and if left unaddressed, spells the beginning of the death of a relationship).
  • For you the resentment-building is twofold (or at least I see it that way). Not only is this relationship dynamic suppressing your erotic desires, it’s effecting your everyday life. Because this was a job that you had, was passionate about it and gave up for the relationship. This is what I’m imagining, that every time you’re sitting at your normal job, you’re mind goes there, whether you want it to or not, you think, I could be in heels and leather right now, doing what I do best, getting paid for it and buying back my time. Instead, I’m stuck in a soul-crushing job, working for somebody else, getting paid a fraction of what I used to make, and I’m bored to death. Why am I doing this to myself? Oh right, because I’m in this relationship with someone who isn’t comfortable with this side of me, and his lack of understanding/acceptance is holding me back from doing what I want to do. And this is why you have to tackle this issue now, because the longer you wait, the more resentment you’ll build.
  • A relationship can only be as happy and healthy as the two people who are in it. If you’re not happy with your life, your relationship will follow down that same path.
  • And this is why you are talking to him now about this. Because this is a critical point. You are coming out to him, in spite of your fears. You found a job that you’re passionate about it (which is rare and valuable) and you would like to pursue it. And you are choosing to not build resentment towards him. And you are choosing to be honest with him and yourself, in hopes that he is ready to see all of you and love you for all of who you are.
  • You acknowledge that is going to be a challenge for him and the relationship, but you’re committed to communicating openly and talking through/processing any feelings, fears, and reservations that will come up. You promise to help him understand where you’re coming from, how you conceptualize this work (as performance, therapy, etc) and how it’s qualitatively different from the relationship that you have with him.
  • All of this is a lot of work for the both of you, but it helps to remember, the more you put into a relationship, in terms of understanding and effort, the more you get out of it.
  • And this work is ultimately helping you learn and grow.

I know I know, all of this is not easy, but it’s for the best. I say this from experience. I was where you were this time last year, when my mom repeatedly begged me to quit being a pro domme and focus full time on my research work in academia (which, like your normal job, is definitely not as exciting as being a domme). I was torn. But I knew that if I quit to make my mom happy, I was making a decision based on her fears (and my own fear that she would be disappointed in me). And this fear-based decision would ultimately make me extremely unhappy, unfulfilled and resentful towards her.  That’s a guaranteed bad known. So I opted for the other choice. At least here I know there’s an unguaranteed positive, it all might work out. So I went with it. And I’m really really happy I did. Because I’m here now, writing to you, still a pro domme and very happy.  And my mom still loves me and she’s trying to understand this other part of me.

What I’m advising is this: go with your gut, face your fear, put everything to the test and have faith that it will all work out in one way or another. You might risk losing him. But in some way, you still run the risk losing him if you do nothing. At least with the former, you’re choosing the life you want to love, you’re expressing your true authentic self, and there’s a strong possibility that he will love all of you and accept you because he wants you to be happy. And even if he doesn’t, you have to believe that there is somebody out there who will love you for who you are.

Good luck Lady, and let me know how it goes…

Love,

Colette

 

photo: Mistress R

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