Water Fast

Thursday, August 15, 2019

Day One:

I thought I was going to start my fast tomorrow, since I have things planned today that might take up energy, such as pilates and a session, but I woke up knowing today was the day.

It could explain why I had this inexplicable desire to eat a fuck ton yesterday. So I could wake up today, feeling slightly guilty about yesterday, motivating me to jump into this.

And there’s something about the Full Moon in Aquarius today that also is pushing me to start this.

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The desire to do this fast feels very spiritual and creative..

Of course there’s the body conscious part of me that is also excited to see how my body will change.

I just weighed myself (not first thing in the morning), I

‘m at 119.2. The heaviest number I can remember. I have been drinking a few glasses of water already so..

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I’m excited that as A, my lover is away with his girl in Mexico City, and my partner is in Seattle, looking at property

I’m here alone, on this strange solo journey, getting to know the limits of myself and my body.

There  will be several days where I will be completely alone. Saturday. Monday.

I almost want to be super completely alone. But I have roof and ceiling cleaners coming tomorrow (low interaction).

And Sunday I’m meeting with A4, my old freind, former client and ghostwriter.

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I see this fast as a way to purify, cleanse and let go of what I don’t need. Or think I need.

It’s a also a test of my will power. I was never a good anoretic in high school, always defaulting to bulimia becuase I couldn’t control my impulses. I hated myself for not having the self-discipline the inner waifish me always wanted.

I want to anknowledge that there’s an old part of me that wants to see how much weight I can lose in this span of time. Which I know doens’t sound healthy.

But I want to provide a caveat, that this is not about weight loss, although there will be weight loss.

This is about me wanting to understand the unknown…

I’ve never donw this before. I’ve heard and read about the benefits. The word “autophagy” keeps getting echoed.

I love the idea that the body is healing itself by digesting all the bad things away.

I’m so looking forward to day 3, when that supposedly happens..

This is a healign journey.

How this is different than starving myself is that I’m doing this with love for my body. I’m not trying to punish it for being fat. I’m trying to understand what miraculous mechanisms exist underneath, when I let go of my mind hunger, the idea that I ought to be eating. What happen when I listen to my body, for there are these days when I can tell my body says I should fast, but instead I don’t because “it’s time” to eat. I want to let go of the notion of time.

And eating is a measure of time..

I want to go without this metric. What does it look like to fully focus on what wants to flow out of me..

When I move from consumer state to creative state.

I want to not take in but put out…

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I am following an intuition that tells me this is the next step.

Lately I’ve been on this kick, of wanting to change, grow and evolve as rapidly as I can. Through exercise, love-making, cooking, writing, I am trying to bring intention and ritual into each act of my life..

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This is part of that. I want to build rituals, healthy purifying rituals

The theme is: less of what we think we need and more intention and attention

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The  seed of this was was planted when I was in Bali, and T was telling us about his periodic water fasts to help him reset his body. I trust his practices since he is a world-renowned expert in hacking life.

And then just last week, L was telling me how she passed a worm in her 5 day cleanse at a detox center in Sedona. And her friend also passed a giant worm. Parasites in us are more common than we think, she says..

And then I ate that wormy and eggy plum when I got back from Seattle.

I take what comes to mind as clues to what I ought to do next.

And once that seed of thought takes hold, and I feel into it, and it feels right, I do it.

This  s all intuition..

They say fast on water. But I’m adding herbal tea  and tincures into the mix, because it’s herbs and I love herbs. And I want to take this time to get to know herbs intimately. By putting nothing but intentional herbs inside me..

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I love the idea of time to self. Time to get to know oneself, the limits of one self, the powers of one self.

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I also have noticed in my deeper meditation sits that when I’m literally hollow, as in nothing in my belly, my sits are deeper and I can tune into a spirit, or maybe the spirit is tuning into me..

When you’re empty, you become an open vessel to channel..

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I also think about how the Buddha and how his spritual journey started with him going down this ascetic path.

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I see this time as my cocooning time, going into myself, and hopefully I will emerge with a cleaner body and clearer mind.

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1:51pm

I can feel my first hunger pang as I write…

 

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I think what I’m going to do is this:

Every time I feel a hunger pang, I masturbate..

I think my orgasms can satiate any hunger

 

..

 

Rest of Day One

 

I had enough energy to go to my private pilates lesson

shower, get ready, drive to the dungeon

and take a 2 hour session in the evening

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By  the time I got home, I was pretty tired and went to bed earlier than usual, around 11:15pm.

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I had just the slightest headache in the early evening, which went away when I drank more water.

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I’m glad I got some pellegrino, the sparkling or mineral aspect of that water is very satiating..

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I only had one real hunger pang in the afternoon, which went away after I masturbated and came..

 

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For today,

I had a ton of herbal tea I blended myself, water with tinctures in it, some lemon water, a shot of diluted apple cider vinegar and 2 pinches of Benjamin Pixie’s bee pollen.

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I decided that the only thing I’ll eat is a few pinches of bee pollen. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go get some royal jelly and have  a tiny teaspoon of that daily

Day Two: August 16, 2019

 

Day Two:

 

I woke up around 7, I got almost 8 hours of sleep.

I had a vivid dream that I could remember parts of.

My abs feel smaller.

I weigh myself, I’m 117 pounds. I lost 2.2 lbs.

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I meditated for 30 min.

After greeting the roof/ceiling/window cleaners around 8am, I felt hungry and very fatigued. Like I couldn’t do anything other than meditate or nap.

So I went into the zen den, closed the curtains, and laid on the slantboard, massaged my scalp, which instantaneously made me feel better. And then I meditated listening to the sounds of the cleaners cleaning the roof until I fell asleep. I woke up an hour later. Feeling much better.

And now I’m writing to you.

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I like the idea of getting the house super clean at the same time as I’m cleaning out my body.

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I really wanted to get some work done today on Pervette. But maybe my body and brain is just not fully there..

So I’ll take it easy..

 

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I have no cravings for food, but I do think about when I should break my fast.

Should I fast for 4 or 5 days?

A part of me wants to extend the autophagy period for as long as I can, because I hear you feel clear and amazing then..

In terms of food, I think about how I’m going to break my fast. What foods do I want to bring back into my body..

I think bone broth and fresh veggies feel good. Or fresh pressed vegetables. And sauerkraut and stuff that’s good for my gut health.

I’m still very happy that I’m doing this, even though there are definitely moments of uncomfortableness, like today.

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There’s also this hunger that comes from my throat, like it’s not used to not putting anything down it. It feels like my throat is craving food for more than stomach. And because of that I feel a slight nausea emanating from there.

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I feel like moving very slowly, this started yesterday. This slow moving makes me very present, every task feels like it requires all of my energy and presence to perform it.

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I don’t feel like talking to anybody. Talking feels like a lot of work.

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I have a desire to go out and get some royal jelly and more spring water.

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For exercise, if I feel it, I might go for a walk later, in the early evening.

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Right now, I wonder if I have the energy to read or write..

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I just booked an appt for a deep cleanse facial Monday. Somehow the idea of coupling this fast with a facial sounds really nice. I can’t remember the last time I got a facial, I’m really looking forward to the extractions part.

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I also just scheduled the house cleaners to come today at 1pm, just as the window cleaners finish at 2pm. I think I’ll organize my books and clothes. Something about cleaning everything inside out feels right right now..

I have the slightest craving for some toasted yucan crackers with some coconut oil, avocado and sea salt, which is one of the last things I had before my fast.

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What I really want to do is masturbate but I can’t because the cleaners are here.

 

2:44pm

 

It’s always around 2:30pm when I seem to get hungry.

San Pellegrino seems to do the trick.

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I feel very meditative, very aware of my hunger, everything is slowed down, somber.

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Not eating creates a different consciousness.

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I’ve had the window/gutter cleaners come and now the regular housecleaners are here. While they’re cleaning, I’m cleaning as well, organizing my closet and tidying up here and there.

I highly recommend mindfully cleaning while fasting on day 2.

Cleaning makes you forget your hunger and there’s something very satisfying about cleaning your inner and outer world..

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4:30pm

Time began to move very slowly. I felt a desire to do nothing but sit and meditate. I went deep in my sit.

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I can stare outside at the moving clouds for hours.

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I went for a slow mindful walk. I felt some emotions (about letting go of the house) really deeply in this beautiful sadness kinda way.

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I stared at a flock of hummingbirds taking turns at a hummingbird feeder

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I decided to record the missing days in my journal. I was very focused and had a ton of energy to do it.

 

I stayed up till 12:30 or so and was still not that sleepy. I decided to lay on the slantboard, meditate until I fell asleep.

 

Saturday, Aug 17, 2019

Day 3 of Fast

 

I woke up feeling great, very clear and calm. My tummy feels thinner.

I’m not hungry.

Although my stomach was gurgling when I was meditating.

My meditation sits feel deeper.

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I weighed myself.

I’m at 114.4 today

I was 117 yesterday morning

And 119.2 the noon before.

 

I lost 5 pounds in 2 days.

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It’s 11:28am

I feel lightheaded a little light headed..

I think I’ll have three pinches of bee pollen and some royal jelly

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I feel better..

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I think I’m going to break my fast tomorrow around 2pm, when my hunger pang usually strikes.

That way I will have fasted through 3 nights. I feel like there’s something very magical that happens when you sleep on a fast, you wake up to a miracle. Like my body has been healing and regenerating itself while I sleep. Or in the case of autophagy, it’s digesting all the unwanted cells..

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So if I can make it through another night, I’m good. I can end tomorrow and slowly refeed my body..

 

I’m looking forward to hitting up the Sunday farmer’s market tomorrow to get the freshest veggies. I’m excited about biting into a carrot and sipping bone broth.

That’s what I’ve been craving the most, carrots and bone broth..

I’m curious to see what my body desires when I begin to feed it again..

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I think my new strategy is when I feel hungry, I masturbate.

When I feel lightheaded, I drink some water and take some bee pollen and/or royal jelly.

 

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I have to say Day 3 feels much better in the morning than Day 2.

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When I break my fast around 2pm tomorrow, I will have gone 88 hours without food.I like repeating numbers. I secretly hope my weight tomorrow will be 111.1.

 

..

 

12pm

 

I wrote for a straight hour. I was lucid but a little tired. By the time I was done, my brain wanted me to take a nap.

 

1pm

I napped for either 40 minutes or an hour on the slant board. Before I fell asleep, I massaged my scalp and meditated.

 

2pm

When I woke up, I felt like I was reborn. I moved slowly upstairs and outside to the backyard. I placed my bare feet on the grass to ground myself. As I looked at the trees and plants around me I was in this very meditative blissed out state. Like I can stare at the trees waving at me.

It felt like if I did anything slowly, I would thoroughly enjoy it.

So I slowly and mindfully made some tea and drank it. I went outside to cut some flowers and branches from my plants in the front and backyard, I trimmed and thoughtfully arranged them in my bud vases.

 

3pm

I was on the biomat, feeling a little uneasy. The hunger pangs now translate to queasiness. At this point, I wish I can just go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning and break my fast.

I didn’t have enough energy to read. So I laid there.  At some point I had some bee pollen and royal jelly, which helped, because I felt better.

And then I masturbated. And suddenly I had energy.

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Meditation slows you down

Masturbation speeds you up.

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4pm

I was getting listless and cabin fever. P2 was going to return Cutie at 5pm. But I wanted to leave the house like now. So I got ready, very slowly.

And by the time I was ready to leave, maybe drive somewhere and got for an architectural walk of Berkeley (I have a guidebook on it), I stepped outside the front door and realized I don’t have the energy to drive, but I could just go for a little walk outside my house.

It’s during these times that I’m extra grateful that I live right next to a regional park. I went down my usual trail. It was my perfect mixture of bright and hazy. It was one of my slowest walks. It reminded me of the meditation walks we did at the vipassanna retreat. Where you can feel the earth underneath your feet with each step.

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I walked to the bench overlooking the hills, closed my eyes and realized how synergistic the meditation walk is for the meditation sit. I went deep for a few minutes. It’s strange how on this nice bright Saturday afternoon, I haven’t passed a single person on this lovely trail.

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I definitely feel like fasting is very similar to a silent meditation.

You have no desire to talk, interact with anyone, you become very aware of your body and your sense doors..

And you’re fully in the moment, with your clear body and clear head.

Even though the present can be quite uncomfortable, but maybe that’s what keeps you present.

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When I had walked back, P2 was inside my house dropping off Cutie. He knew I was in a pretty un-social state, so he was very mindful with what he needed to say, Cutie is in the moon room on the sofa looking outside, he also dropped off a digital copy of the photo that I wanted of her, and then he quickly took off.

5pm

Jesus Christ. I just want this day to be over. I’m so tired, yet not tired enough to go to sleep.

This reminds me of my three days on iboga, where I didn’t eat at all, but on iboga I didn’t sleep at all, here at least I could still sleep at night..

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Then I decided to lay on the biomat with all my chakra tuning forks. I figure since I’m so sensitive to everything, I might be able to feel the subtle energies of these healing tools. So one at a time I struck each tuning fork (there were 7, one for each specific chakra) and placed them on the corresponding chakra point. I did feel the vibrations of each fork run through my body, it was very calming and soothing..

And then I placed the apatite stone on my belly, which supposedly brings clarity, inner strength, and good for clearing blocks and controlling your appetite.

And then I fell asleep..

 

6pm

I woke up feeling great. I love how after every nap, I feel better, as if the body is doing its healing autophagy thing as I rest.

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I went downstairs into the zen den and meditated for an hour. I went deep..

I notice when I follow my breath, it almost has a spirit of its own, and sometimes the spaces between the inhalation and exhalation are so long, that I drop into another level, another rhythm of breathing, that’s not quite fully breathing. Almost like i csn transcend normal breathing. It felt like the breath was taking me to another deeper level..my body began to sway with the breath.

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7pm

I gathered a ton of books, some on Guanyin, Herman Hesse’s poems and Soulcraft and read on the biomat.

I read about fasting in Soulcraft…

 

8pm

I fell asleep for a little

And woke up around

10pm

Feeling a little uncomfortable and queasy, I made my way downstairs to bed.  I wasn’t sure if I was gonna be able to fall asleep, since my body felt so funky. But eventually I did

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Side notes:  my lips are constantly dry, even though it seems like I’m drinking enough water. Also, my body ran cooler than normal, I needed to wear socks to keep my feet warm

 

Sunday, August 18, 2019 10:18am

Day 4 – End of Fast

 

I woke up at 6, feeling lighter than the night before.

I felt better than when I feel asleep, but still slightly uncomfortable.

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I weighed myself.

113.1 lbs

Overall I lost 6 pounds.

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I meditated in the zen den. I only made it to half hour. I was feeling very queasy.

I decided that I’m going to break my fast at 8am. My body wants something in it, soon.

 

I went upstairs and made myself some lemon water.

Sipping on it made me feel better.

Then I had some royal jelly and bee pollen.

I felt even better.

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Then I wrote out my morning pages and masturbated.

Again, I felt better.

By the time I came, it was

 

8am

Yay!

I heated up some bone broth from Belcampo (from grass-fed and grass-finished cows)

added a ton of real salt (for minerals) and some turmeric and cayenne. I frothed a portion of it And mixed it together.

Then I sipped on the yummy salty spicy bone broth outside, in the morning sun.

Awwww….

I wanted to pick a ripe red strawberry from my tree and eat it. But I decide to wait just a little before I put fruit in my body.

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I can feel myself coming back to life.

I went for a little walk to the scenic bench (like yesterday) and back.

During the walk, I can feel my digestive system working, I head sounds of digestion and movement.

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When I got back, I had my first bowel movement in 2 days.

Was this the digested cellular matter that I’m passing or was it leftover food from Thursday that didn’t make its way out when I started my fast?

Either way, I felt amazing after that and kinda almost back to normal.

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Then I had a little bit of sauerkraut that had lactobacillus in it.

Which was vinegery yummy.

I’m activating all these parts of my taste buds.

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I’m very excited about the refeeding process. This is the time where I get to mindfully put the best food for my gut inside me. And go slowly.

I want to retrain my body to not overeat, and by overeat I mean eat to a point of discomfort.

E was telling me that people who live int he Blue Zones all know how to stop eating when they’re 80% full.

I think the fasting can help me recalibrate my portions and talk my mind out of its mind hunger. Or it can help me become more sensitive to my body telling me when it’s time to eat, what to eat and how much.

So much of our eating rituals come out of habit. We eat when we “think” we’re supposed to eat because its 9am, 12pm, or 7pm.. I want to learn how to eat when I “feel” it. When my body tells me to, not my mind.

And that’s usually less than we “think.”

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I feel like this fast has been a true reset for my body. I feel clean and clear. And all I want to do is treat my body super well, with good food and exercise.

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It feels like it can be a catalyst for a lifestyle change.

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And also it was very spiritual, the whole process. It was not unlike a silent vipassana retreat. Here I was abstaining from food and people. It really did give me a chance to go inward.

And it was also an existence proof that I do have will power to overcome my impulses and do what I believe is good for me, in spite of how uncomfortable it feels.

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This experience was very similar to iboga (which was the most intense and inward psychedelic experience I’ve ever had) without the hallucinations..

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I think I definitely want to incorporate intermittent fasting into my lifestyle more consistely. I did it before and it felt great.  I’m always more productive, clear-headed and alert before I eat. I really like the idea of giving my body a break from digesting food, daily. I think I’ll  fast for 16-18 hours a day. Which means eating in a 6 hour window say from 2pm-8pm or 12pm-6pm on some days and other days eating in an 8 hour window, say from 12-8pm.

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Since I’m most creative on an empty stomach, maybe I’ll do all my writing in the morning, and reward myself with breaking my fast by noon or afternoon.

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It’s 11am

Time to go to the farmer’s market and load up on some organic veggies. I think I might bring a peeler with me so I can peel a carrot and eat it then and there.

1:48

 

I went to the farmer’s market and loaded up on my staples: avocados, shiitake mushrooms, carrots, kale, blueberries, walnuts, pasture-raised eggs, bone broth. I also got strawberries and pistachios.

It was sunny and the market was packed. It felt good to be a part of the world again.

I brought my peeler, peeled some small carrots and ate them, It was so yummy.

 

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I feel amazing. Crazy how some bone broth, sauerkraut and carrots is giving all this energy. Maybe it’s my body realizing that I’m not dying..

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Interesting how I feel more compelled to reply to people again. WHen fasting, here was no desire to reach out, talk, text, or communicate.

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I feel like I can dance. I’m excited about going to pilates, yoga and bar this week.

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A part of me wants to eat a ton, and then there’s my body telling me that I ate enough and can eat more in a little bit..

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What I put inside me:

shot of diluted apple cider vinegar, lemon mineral water with real salt, gomaisu salt, turmeric and cayenne, royal jelly, Benjamin Pixie’s bee pollen, Belcmapo bone broth with real salt, turmeric and cayenne, Golden State Pickle Works Moroccan slaw sauerkraut, my special blend of brain tea (gingko biloba, gotu kola, rosemary mint, and horsetail), carrots, strawberries, walnuts and pistachios form the farmer’s market, strawberries form my tree

 

 

Tuesday, Aug 20, 2019 12:23pm

Day 3 after Fast

 

I feel AMAZING.

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I just got back from a Bar Restore class and I’m already thinking about going to a yoga class this afternoon, or like right now.

It’s the most unusual thing, I’m listening to my my body and my body wants to get active, like it wants a really good stretch or sweat.

I’ve never had this desire to get in my body and push it this way. It doesn’t even feel like a push. It just feels pleasurable to be in my body and engage it.

I feel unlike my old self, even slightly super human.

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And for the first time in a long time, I’m really enjoying the feel and look of my body. It feels trim and toned, light and clear.

I think the fast definitely did something to it. Even after my iboga, when I had lost a lot of weight from the 3 sleepless and foodless days and nights, I went back to my regular eating routine a few days after. But here, it feels like a true reset, and a more conscious approach to eating. I’m thinking about what I want to put in my body. Is it going to serve it well? I see my body as this incredibly intuitive organism that’s talking to me in a way that I’ve never heard it speak before. It tells me exactly what it needs in every moment, water, a little food, stretch, rest..

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I noticed when I tied my hair up for Bar, that I had lost quite a bit of hair on my left temple, but a lot of baby hair was also growing in.

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I feel like for the first time, I am 100% in my body, aware of it, listening to it, nourishing it and taking good care of it, and I’m motivated to keep this level of consciousness and engagement with it, forever. Who knows how I’ll feel in a week or month or year, but for now, I feel so determined. The way I feel right now (incredible) is my compass. I know what true north feels like. I know what my healthy and fir self feels like. And it’s the most pleasurable feeling to stay active, aware and in love with my body.

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Oh, in the Bar restore class, during our stretch portion, there was an option to go further in a stretch and do the splits, and for the first time I was able to do the splits, it was crazy.

I feel like my body is even more flexible than it was before..

 

 

What I put inside me: acv, lime water, Quintessential minerals, Stamets 7, variety of adoptogenic tinctures, greens mix with some Urban Remedy Glow and kratom and spirulina and chlorella; royal jelly, bee pollen,  a few sips of Urban Remedy Java Shake before Bar class,