August 7, 2019 2:37pm
Berkeley, CA
Dear Macaulay,
It’s been a long while. It feels really nice to write your (chosen) name out and to be able to write to this side of you, again. Can I just say, I’m so very grateful that you said yes to my idea of connecting again in this way. The way that we began, almost a decade ago.
.
I don’t know why, but when I reflect back, I can only see how unready I was to fully appreciate everything that you brought into our relationship. And what you brought (I feel) was all of yourself. And I loved it, where we went in our sessions (it was unlike any other place I’ve ever been) and how we had this otherworldly connection in our letters. All of it was incredible and had this magical quality. It felt surreal.
When I think about why and how all of it ended, I attribute it to me.. I was young and didn’t know how to handle something so precious as your devotion. And at the time, I didn’t know myself too well, who I could be and what I could offer in return. I mostly went with what others wanted (or at least what I thought they wanted of me) so I got lost in the fantasies of others and never really knew what my own desires were.
.
I think you saw something in me. You offered me these glimpses of Her, this powerful woman.. when you gave yourself to me.
.
All of that that was to say
I miss you.
I’m sorry
And thank you
.
For saying yes.
.
I can see myself more clearly now.
And so I’m grateful for this opportunity to reconnect with you from a more mature place.
.
I just went digging and found my two copies of The Pierian Roses. I opened one up randomly to page 125 and started reading..
Olive Oil?
My goodness, this writing, that I’m reading and kinda enjoying, I could barely recognize that it’s my writing, I wrote like that?
.
I really like the writer that you brought out in me.
I missed her
.
This makes me think that when you miss someone, you miss them as much as you miss the part of yourself that came out when you were with them..
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Now I turn to page 95, and I’m reading your thoughts on of Lust, Caution..
I love how diverse our writing was..
And I remember now, how I love your writing.
.
I’m so happy you collected our letters and writing in an actual bound hard cover book.
When I open it
It’s all coming back
Our relationship..
(to be continued..)
Dear Colette,