Ask Colette Anything: How does a Mistress keep a relationship happy and healthy?

Dear Miss Colette,

As a young domme I’ve lost my way. I’ve discovered in my relationship with my boyfriend that all he had to do was wait for me to give him instructions, wait to serve. I had to put him on a schedule when to wake up, when to contact me, when to go to bed. I had to tell him what to wear, distribute punishments and rewards, figure out ways he could be of service. Imagine being a teacher and creating lesson plans then grading all day, every day, without break. It was exhausting. His need to be controlled was controlling me.

Being someone’s mistress was more work than I’d anticipated, and I was no longer sure how sustainable it was for me. Soon our schedules were in conflict, and it became a chore to see each other. I also began to resent how it felt like his need for a domme was taking over my life. He began to throw more tantrums, upset at the lack of time we were spending together.

My reaction (a consequence of habit from my traditional relationships) was to try to give him what he wanted. Then I’d remember, I’m the domme here, not this pouty brat who needed more attention than I could give. And I decided that I didn’t have to put up with his attempts to manipulate me into giving him what he wanted. So I told him to move on and find someone more willing to devote the time he clearly needed.

My relationships since then follow more traditional roles. But there are parts of myself that playing a domme unleashed that can’t be bottled up. I’m much more confident voicing displeasure, as well as satisfaction. I’ve also learned that when people call it a lifestyle, they really mean it. Taking on dominant and submissive roles is so much more than tying someone up or wanting to be spanked. It can consume you, and you must be ready to handle the responsibilities.

Here’s my question for you, how does a mistress keep a relationship healthy and happy?

Sincerely yours,

Ms. Jade

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Awww, so now you know, Ms Jade. Lifestyle Domme–that’s just a fancy word for Mom. I’m kidding. Well, not really.

That’s a great question you posed. It’s definitely one I think about often. As I too have been there. I’ve had 6 slaves in contract at one point, but even then I never called myself a Lifestyle Domme. Maybe because I always knew that’s not the lifestyle I wanted.  But by dint of being an empath and a pleaser who couldn’t say no, that lifestyle chose me. My slaves chose me to be their Mistress, and not knowing what I kn0w now, I said yes.

But it wasn’t my slaves’ fault that I was overwhelmed by their cum calendars, punishment schedules and Fitbit reports. I never checked in with myself on what I needed or didn’t need in a relationship. Our slave contracts outlined what power I had over them (aka MY responsibilities), but we had never discussed my desires. I guess I didn’t know what they were at the time. It wasn’t until 8 years later when my life had been consumed by the needs of others that I realized that the two things that I really needed was what I had lost along the way: my balance and my freedom.

So last year, I made a series of huge structural changes in my life. And I believe they’ve set me on the right path to happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships. Here’s what I did:

  1. I recognized my needs. Balance and freedom.
  2. I became more honest with myself and my slaves and opened up our lines of communication. Instead of going along with their fantasies of what they believed I wanted (which was to have more control over them), I told them what I really needed, which was space to breathe. I exposed to them the reality behind the curtain, that I was spread thin and I couldn’t keep up with it anymore.
  3. I learned how to let go of my slaves and my illusions that my slaves needed Mistress Colette in order to be happy, that if I wasn’t there when they needed me, they would fall apart. 
  4. I became more aware people’s energy and how it effected my energy. I started to see that people’s obsessive energy can drain you. I stopped seeing people and doing things that drained me. I stopped doing anything that would make me feel resentful. I stopped doing all things that felt like a chore, like checking on my slaves, checking my e-mail and phone. I started doing things that energized me. I traveled. A lot. I let my mind relax. And I became more present. And now when I do see or correspond with my slaves and subs, it’s because I want to, not because I had to. All of this helped me find my freedom.
  5. And I found balance by defining clear physical and mental boundaries as to when Colette appears, only in her dungeon. She doesn’t come home with me after my session. and she happily doesn’t do e-mails anymore. It’s like I gave her time to recharge, to sharpen her senses and intuition. Now when she comes out to play, she’s all in.

Each step was a breakthrough for me, and an utterly destabilizing gestalt shift for everybody around me. But everyone eventually came to see why it had to be done. We were rebuilding the foundation of our relationship, grounding it in a shared reality and respecting each other’s needs. In the course of these changes, many of my slaves became my friends. And I now only have 2 slaves (well, and many awesome devoted subs) in my stable. And I can happily say that all of my relationships are thriving and they nourish me.

Jade, I realize all of this is coming from the perspective of a pro domme. But I think the bold points above can be transferred to any relationship. If there are places you want me to expand upon, just let me know, and I would be happy to. And In case you didn’t know it already, I think you made the right decision in letting go of your bf’s needs. It sounds like you’re in a much healthier relationship now. But I also hear the nostalgia in your voice when you say that your inner domme “can’t be bottled up.” I totally agree. Those things shouldn’t be bottled up. Everyone needs an outlet. I think the answer to this problem is quite simple:

You should be a dominatrix.

Colette

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