I can feel my body trembling as I create this page 1 On July 31, 2019 1:23pm about him.

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I’ve always called him my lover.

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Every time we hang out, my mind races the day after. I jog back to the highlights, and the unspoken feelings and thoughts that come with it

I somehow think I’ll remember it all when I want to (at least I have the audio recordings)

But I rarely go back

And so all those moments, that seem so filmic and memorable to me, eventually fade with the ongoingness of life

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And so I created this space,

so I can remember

what I think

and how I feel

about him

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Out of all the hundreds of pages I’ve written on Pervette (which includes my strangely detailed journal entries), this somehow feels the most private. So private that I’m not going to share it with anyone, just yet.

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And when I do,

He’ll be the first.

 

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(gulp)

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I’m nervous as I write,

I know that

everything after

his eyes

on here

is irreversible

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It’s been 15 years since we first became lovers

The number of hours we’ve spent together all added up is probably less than 15 days

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In the few times we’ve had together, I’ve had so many thoughts, a lot of them jumbled and unspoken.

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I always wonder, should I show or tell

My love.

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On Sunday night, he said it first

In the hot tub

after our postprandial walk in the dark.

was it before or after he leaned in and touched my legs

And pulled me in

like a bunch of flowers

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When we kissed, I was thinking the last time I kissed anyone like this was with him.

I was also thinking that I forgot how to do this, lip to lip thing, deeply, passionately, with desire

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They say desire is suffering.

And so I meditated

on that

for years

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Until I learned how to be alone

And fell in love with this newfound feeling

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I see how monks do it.

I get it

How nice it is

to give it all up

the craving, clinging

of flesh and desire

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It feels powerful

to be a blissful island,

unto myself

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But there was the two of us in the hot tub that night

And my legs are wrapped around his waist,

His arms around mine.

My arms around his neck.

My lips sucking his

I can feel his hard cock

Touching my other lips from below

Getting so very close

Because of the water

I couldn’t tell what was making me wet

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Monday, the day after

I had a call with my naturopathic doctor

She went over my blood work

I’m low on iron, magnesium and something else

I’m low on protein

I need to eat more meat, she says, daily.

 

But ever since my spiritual breakthroughs with a Siddhi master, G, in Bali, I’ve been defaulting to a “plant-based” diet. My meditations feel more intense and deep because of it. And I have this notion that consuming meat will affect my new state of consciousness and so I’ve shied away.

But oddly enough, I did eat steak the night before. A had prepared it..

..

 

I like the shape

of his first and last name

The way it looks

when it appears

that I have a message

from him

on my phone.

.

 

It’s weird how I can go for months

maybe forever

not needing or wanting to see himĀ 

 

Out of sight

Out of mind

but then when

we’re back in touch

literally

i remember, i desire

 

 

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