As I write to you, I feel like I can’t stop eating

Even though I already ate dinner and I’m not hungry anymore and somewhat pretty full but still I want to keep on putting something sweet and maybe crunchy inside my mouth

Did I not eat a balanced meal?

(It was mostly vegetables)

Did I consume too much sugar earlier and now I can’t stop craving it?

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I find that I think about food, a lot.

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I find that when I’m a creative high and I eat something, it shifts my consciousness and I lose my creative flow.

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I’m trying to unlearn all the clean-your-plate-don’t-waste-food conditioning my Asian parents taught me

I mean it’s good to not waste food but it’s also good to not stuff yourself to a point of discomfort

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I think if I can just learn how to portion control I wouldn’t struggle with food so much

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When I’m mindfully eating and meditate that day, I don’t overeat.

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It’s an impulse thing..

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When I was a baby, I drank my milk really fast.

To wow my dad.

And ever since I’ve been a pretty fast eater/drinker

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For every rice you don’t eat, you eat a maggot in hell.

For ever noodle you don’t finish, you eat a worm in hell

I think that’s what my mom or dad told us when we were young.

I can still remember my visualization of eating worms and maggots in this red scary underground place called hell

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You get punished for not finishing your food

You get rewarded (by not getting punished) for finishing all your food

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Think about all the starving kids in Africa who don’t have any food to eat

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So now not finishing your food makes you a selfish person

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So now you equate

finishing your food = positive

not finishing your food = negative

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That association combined with our ginormous American serving sizes = me overeating

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But that’s just the beginning and one piece to my complicated relationship to food

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