Pervette’s Guide to Kink


I promised in my second post that I was going to create a guide on how to be a domme. I kind of misspoke. Or at least the idea of “how to be a domme” seems misleading to me now. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that I can’t really show you how to be a domme. I can only show you who I am and how I got here. But that doesn’t mean mine is the only way to do it. It’s just one of many. So what you have in front of you is a model not to copy entirely, but to take pieces that work for you and to add to it what makes sense to you. In that way, you’ll put your own unique stamp on what a dominatrix is.

What I’m really putting together, I think, is a guide for my younger self. This is the guide I wish I had 10 years ago when I first started. But I didn’t. I just lived through it and learned A LOT about kink, and love, and relationships and life. Mostly I learned a lot about myself. And now it just feels like the right time to share with you what I’ve learned…

On Pedagogy

I’ll begin with a caveat: You shouldn’t take this guide or me too seriously. All of what I do is an improvise. Well, it’s a thoughtful improvise. But everything about it is ill-structured and guided by a “gut feeling.” In going along with this way of being, this guide has no outline or concrete rules. It’s just me riffing and reflecting. You can take it or leave it, or better yet, you can join me, and add to it. 

Conceptualizing Kink

Here’s what I’ve learned: If you attempt to describe what kink is literally and without context, it sounds absurd. What I mean is, if someone were to ask me what I did to my client today and I told them what I literally did in session: bondage, nipple torture, cock and ball torture, cattle-prodding, breathplay, and strap-on oral worship, finished off with a golden shower, they would think, Oh what a weirdo. Why would anyone want that?

But if I were to tell you how I was having my sub express his love and devotion to me through these different modalities. Or in a way, he was trying to please me with his pain and vulnerability, you can then kind of make more sense of it. Because that’s the story. And we can only make sense of kink through the stories that we tell.

So that’s where I’ll begin. I’ll tell you my story. It’s a slightly magical one. But it can’t be helped. I think that’s what happens when you live the story you want to tell...


photo: Colette 10 years ago taken by Josh LaCunha