Secrets and Origins

Dear Pervettes,

We’re finally here! At the beginning of a new conversation topic: Origins.

But before we shift to the new theme, I wanted to reflect for a moment on how amazing the start of Pervette has been. So can I just say, thank you for being curious and thoughtful and tuning in here and reading on. And a huge huge THANK YOU to everyone who has shared their secrets and thoughts on Pervette. Your submissions (and comments) mean everything. Everything that you’ve shared here has made our discussions more real and deep. And I’m so grateful for every voice that comes through. Because there’s a lightness that comes from letting our shadows talk to each other. We can see the patterns in our stories. And we can see how we’re not alone. This became salient to me when a young woman wrote in asking, How do I tell my boyfriend that I want to be a domme? Drawing from my own experiences, I told her to tell him the truth. But before she could take up my advice, her secret (that she was once a pro domme) was leaked. Coincidentally, I met this young woman for the first time the week she was outed. She was still shell-shocked from the night before when her boyfriend had broken up with her. But she looked relieved. I told her what I knew. That this had to happen in order for her to grow (and that, of course, she was meant to be a pro domme). I’ve been there. I was exactly where she was a year before when I was outed to my mother. I sometimes think our secrets are ticking time bombs. At some point, if we’re too slow to pull the trigger ourselves, it’ll explode in our faces. And it forces us to confront our biggest fear, which is to face the truth. The truth is my mom has a sexworker for a daughter. The truth is your girlfriend is sharing a very intimate moment with a man you don’t know. The truth is painful and that’s why we avoid it. But once we give in to it and accept it, it opens us up to all possibilities.

I invited this young woman to my birthday party last week. I handed her a slice of my birthday cake as I introduced her to my two friends (who were also pro dommes). She told them her story, how she thought she had to choose between being a dominatrix and being in a relationship with her boyfriend. But now here she is, back in her heels, cracking her whip again and her boyfriend has come to accept her shadow. She’s telling us this as she’s eating her cake, and having it too. I love it. I love our stories, because collectively they reveal to us what we need to know. That we can be everything. We can be a good daughter or girlfriend and a badass dominatrix. We can be all the contradictions that we hold. And every part of us can be loved, as long as we accept our own truth.

That was just one of the many thoughts I took away from Secrets. There are so many others. And there’s still more to come.  Because secrets will continue to be had, this thread (and all future threads) will remain open for anyone who wants to add to the conversation.

And now, after Secrets, comes Origins..

This theme stemmed from a distinct memory.  It was two weeks after my mom had that talk with me about my “secret job.” She called me early one morning because she didn’t sleep at all the night before. She asked me if I could tell her what happened.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Did something happen to you when you were little that made you want to do this kind of work?”

“I don’t know. I can’t really think of just one thing that happened to me.”

I could tell she was looking for a very specific explanation (i.e., trauma). My answer was kind of a relief, but it still left her wondering.

Since then I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened…

How did we get here? What shaped us into the weird kinky perverts/pervettes that we are today? When did we realize that we were different?

It’s time to dig and remember, reflect and connect the dots…

What are our Origin Stories?