Self/Care Quarantine

March 16-21 2020

Berkeley, CA

 

Shelter in Place orders have been enforced in the Bay Area as of last night at 12:01am (it’s Tuesday the 17th). We started quarantining as of yesterday. I’m motivated to record my thoughts and ideas stream of consciousness re the affects of the self-quarantine here. If you want more details of my day, you can find my journal. But for now, my intention is to share with you what I’m thinking and feeling and how I’m taking care of myself during this time. I hope my perpetual teleological optimism and random thoughts can serve as a counterpoint to the news out there and maybe inspire you to make the most of this strange time..

Day One: Monday, March 16th

Start of quarantine, kinda huge adjustment cohabiting with my partner, who is more chatty and high energy than me right now. He smokes and is on his oculus, playing VR. I sip my tea and still get my meditative spells. We were the couple in a LAT (Living Apart Together) open relationship. His sugarbaby and my girl Friday, X (whom I adore), is staying in our Santa Monica pad. She’s sending sexy pics and videos from the pad. I want to find space and time to connect with my lovers, A and L5, but it’s trickier with the open layout of our upper floor, and it’s just day one, P just got in, we’re taking this time to reconnect and begin to adapt to this cohabitation thing. It feels like Burning Man Beyond, everyone talks about the Burn as a test of any couple’s relationship, I think this quarantine is next level and it’s not like we couples have a choice (to go to the Burn this year or not), we’re all doing it. I think there needs to be a support group created. Zoom conference with our other friend couples..How are we all doing..? Stuck in a house or apt with our partner, with no place to escape to? What strategies are we employing to not lose ourselves (and our minds) to be together (not by choice).

This is the true test of any relationship:

How are we at communicating or desires, feelings and boundaries?

How do we negotiate our time and space and responsibilities?

How quickly can we drop our ego when things get tense?

How do we utilize this time to grow more intimate?

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So far, P and I are going pretty good. It helps that we have our muppety sides, and P seems constantly amused and overwhelmed by my muppety cuteness, which is a side of myself that comes out when I’m with him. Slutmupp (that’s my nickname) knows how to sidestep ego (mine and his) by being very child-like and authentic. I have developed this side of myself (which is essentially letting my child self express herself) over the years with P and it’s been incredible..like my child self feels so healed and safe to come out and when she does, P loves and plays with her. Of course, his child self comes out too and when they’re both out, it’s a muppety comedy sitcom, we make each other laugh a lot by being ridiculously silly. We get to embrace our individual and collective weirdness.

So anyways..the point is..create a safe space for you and your partner to bring out your child self and let them play with each other during this time. If they can both come out talk to each other and play then it means you’ve done a pretty good job of making them feel safe, supported, loved and accepted.

The key point here is to not judge..

To allow each other to be..

As quirky and weird and neurotic as we are

And when things get a little friction-y, see if you can “make fun” of the situation by using child-like humor. Children are funny because they’re direct and honest and point out the truth with no ego attached.

And remember

If you can’t make fun of it, then you have a serious problem.

So try to make fun

Try to play…

..

Of course, I know that in order to play, you have to feel safe.

And for some of us, we’re not there yet.

Before play, you have to heal..

Your wounds.

That collected trauma/wounding from childhood to now has created this thick scar, protective layer around our hearts, which might be called the ego.

Our ego is what protects us from getting hurt. It’s essentially fear.

Fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of pain.

This is hardens and constricts us, keeps us closed to the unknown.

While the goal is to stay open to newness and keep that heart tender. And be nimble and flexible..

SO that is the work..

And being in an intimate relationship with another allows us to do this important work-on-self

How do we stay open, how do we not let our ego get in the way of growing more intimate with ourselves and each other?

The practice is COMMUNICATION.

Authentic non judgmental communication..

As we communicate our desires, feelings and boundaries..

(Read the book Non-Violent Communication and practice it, that’s what me and P did in our 2nd year of our relationship, total game changer)

 

..

 

Interesting how stream of consciousness writing on quarantine life led me down this path..

 

Day Two: Tuesday, March 17

Day 2 of Self Quarantine

No one cares at all  that today is St. Paddy’s Day.

First thing in the morning, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish during these next 3 weeks

    1. Get in peak shape by creating a daily somatic practice: yoga, run/walk..
    2.  Learn new tricks on the aerial hoop/silk
    3.  Work on Pervette..deeply restructure for this time
    4.  Make sure I hit the 4 Pillars of a perfect day:
      1. eat well
      2. somatic practice
      3. meditate
      4. pervette
    5. Read
    6. Write
    7. Make Art
    8. Build Community

I put on a cute sexy Alo sports top and took a selfie of my body to track week one of my body then I cont to wear the sprts top around the house. It motivated me to be active and I was.. I went for a run to the bench, I talked P into doing yoga with P, push-ups, crunches..

The tone of today was excitement for all this time to self, to work on self..

I cooked. I made a kale salad that was yummy enough for P  to eat (he doesn’t like kale) and a veggie stirfry for dinner.

We ordered some cdb from Craft and got it delivered.

I meditated remotely with the guru and meditation group that are scatted in Europe and Cape Town..

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P and I are connecting really well, he’s helping me think through Pervette..

I think I’m shifting directions..not doing a paywall..no sapio porn (for now)

He sees my greatest strength is my voice. Which I see it too.

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All the conversations that we had is pushing me to see.. now is the time to tell my story and share my wisdom and dreams through it

 

Quarantine Day 2, so far, it’s been great in our cocoon, I feel really good getting back in my body again today. I’m so grateful for this time to take care of myself. And to spend time with P, we’re growing closer..

 

Day 3: Wednesday, March 18

Major shifts in a span of a day..

Feels like everyone is on the pro-quarantine camp, and now the tables have turned.. 3 weeks ago you were considered the crazy paranoid one quarantining, now you’re the crazy one if you’re not quarantining.

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Chatting with fellow pro dommes on a Twitter thread, we’re all kinda concerned about our livelihood since we’re all not taking sessions..

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Zoom meeting with S and G, we were brainstorming, how do we create a community during this time? We’re gonna co-create a virtual intimate space..

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I chatted with L.. let’s create a virtual SW comnunity…we started testing out a new meetup/webinar app

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I left em a voice message, I wanna create something with her that can help support the world around us during this time..

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I texted I, let’s do co-host a Domme virtual meetup biweekly

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I chatted with G, my business partner, we started brainstorming about how to keep this house and dungeon..so many incredible ideas brewing..

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My mind was in full connection and co-creation mode..

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Funny how yesterday was buzzing with self-care excitement

And today, I went from..what do we do during this time of financial stress…to..

It’s time to build a community..

ANd find creative new ways to harness these tools/technology that we have to be at the cutting edge of our evolution..

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I can see how this global pandemic is the perfect catalyst for a dramatic change in how we connect with each other.. and learn from each other..it’s ushering a new structure..I’m so excited and hopeful…

Theres’a a lot of work to be done.. I’m so ready..

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In other news, I suggested to P we do a drive by down the hill to see if the town is a ghost town.. it was. That’s a good sign..

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Been cooking, doing yoga, hot tubbing, consuming some cbd, and having really deep meaningful conversations with P. I shared with him a voice message that L5 sent me. P can see why I’m into L5, he’s so appreciative and positive. I like how we’re bringing each other into our lives even more by sharing with each other our lovelife outside of our own. After dinner I asked for some intimacy time, P enjoyed it because I showered him with appreciation. We’ve been doing a lot of recounting and reflecting on our 6 years together.  Being in this house together again brings us back to those times..and reminds us of how we’ve grown..

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I talk to my dad. And realize he’s more on the spectrum than I thought. He doesn’t understand why the streets are so empty and why the shelves of Walmart are empty and it’s so hard for him to find milk.

For a man who watches the news constantly, how is he not connecting the two?

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Dad, you’re still going to work??

Yeah..

You can’t go to work. Take your sick leave tomorrow. This is your life. You’re a smoker, your lungs are already compromised. If you get this, you’re gonna die!

(I was being an alarmist, but that’s the tone he speaks in, to me all the time)

He says okay.

For the first time, he’s actually listening to me. Wow, is that what it takes? I need to sound like I’m freaking out more often to him.

 

What I put inside me:

 

Day 4: Thursday, March 19th

It’s the equinox. So many flowers are blooming.Including my neighbor’s cherry blossom tree.

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I went to bed at 5am last night. I was buzzing with so much co-creative energy, all the phone calls, all the virtual gathering ideas..

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Now I’m pretty depleted. Moving slowly. Every time I visit P in the library, I am drawn towards my well-organized book shelves and I zero in on a book.

Today, it was Rebecca Campbell’s Light is the New Black. I got it 5 years ago, around the time we moved into the house, but I never read it.

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I let myself rest on the biomat, surrounded by my mupp essentials (books, tea, laptop, Cutie, pants I’ve taken off, notebooks, pens) and read Light is the New Black..

Even though I have no energy to connect with anyone or do anything, I’m enjoying it. I’m enjoying going super slow like a tired child. I’m actually slowing down enough to that I can just sit and read

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This puerh tea, this 100% cacao dark chocolate, holy fuck, I can taste every nuance of it when I slow down..

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I meditate and masturbate in the pink chill room.

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I nap on the biomat while P is napping downstairs.

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I thought I was feeling wonky from getting 3 hours of sleep, but P was feeling groggy too. I think it has something to do with the Equinox.

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At 4pm, I have tea with my new sub/co-conspirator, J. Through GoogleHangout of course. He is all dolled up for me. Eyeshadow, lipstick and all. I love it. I tell him that I want to focus on creating something the world needs right now. Connection. I want to make my Pervette Tea Party happen virtually. And we start visioning..

He plays the piano for me, beautifully. The first song gives me visions of the tea party.. How I’m going to do the video in the opening…Mr. Rogers Neighborhood is inspiring me..the second song is more refined and elegant..

When I get visions, the torpor is whipped out of me and I’m energized. Amazing how a (mind stimulating) conversation can change my mood so quickly..

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Okay, the show goes on. Pervette Tea Party is still slated for the 29th..

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We’ve let our delivered spring water and Amazon packages sit outside our front door for 48 hours. Just to let the germs die. P puts on latex gloves, sprays the boxes and glass jugs with rubbing alcohol and opens the boxes. With my gloved hands, I pull the contents out of the Amazon packages: DragonHerb tea, Sari’s nutritional yeast, Tranquil Sleep pills, BeWell Lavender soup..

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A new artist friend of mine, A8 (he feels like an eight, it’s close to the alpha symbol) wants to go on a walk in the trails of Tilden Park. I want to as well. But P and I are at this crazy OCD level of quarantining, am I ready to expand this isolation cell and possibly put us at risk? I have to think of and consult with P. I tell A8 that I would love to, but we should have a talk this week, to learn about our social history (it’s kinda like the talk about each other’s sexual history but way more expanded): where have you been? Who have you seen? When was the last time you went to your yoga class? Are you wearing a N95 mask when you go out? Basically, are you as OCD as me? If not, then I have to think about it..

If you are, let’s wait a week to 10 days, and see from there..

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It was one of those days when the sun came in and out as the clouds pass by. Every time the sun poked out, I wanted to go out and soak in it.

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P and I decided to drive to Inspiration Point to go for a hike. HOly fuck, everyone in Berkeley had the same idea, we turned the car right back around, Inspo Pt. is a cesspool of dirty viral air.

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We call it the Rona now. That’s what the kids on the street are calling it these days..

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I talk P into doing 15 min of yoga with me, so we don’t break our streak. It’s crazy how with him around I feel motivated to do yoga. There’s strength in numbers. We do it. He corpse pose it most of the way, at least he got on the mat.

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It’s hard to describe all the subtle things, all the conversations we have, all the ways we show love to each other in these days.. if I did, you would see how incredible a team P and I make. I feel like we’ve been preparing ourselves for this moment all these 6 years we’ve been together..actually..as I write this, I realize we are at our 6 year anniversary.

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Our days is mostly a mupp sitcom, our child selves are out and we in a way are improving.. I’m lil mupp, she’s hilarious without even trying. P cracks up all the time. It’s the words I say and how I say it..

All it is is being in the moment and tuning into the energy and making fun of it by speaking to the truth of what it is and how I feel in it..

Hard to describe this

thank goodness I have the recorder going and almost every moment, every conversation is recorded..

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Today is a carby day. P makes gluten free pasta for lunch (Rao’s pasta sauce is delish, btw). I make cauliflower cashew tikka masala with basmati rice (new invented dish for me, the organic tikka masala mix is packaged and pretty yummy ). P hates cauliflower and thinks he’s not gonna like it. I was happy to prove him wrong, so was he. I’m turning him on to kale and cauliflower now. I love changing his mind.

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Our friends gave me this giant gift box of goodies for my bday. In it there was a variety of these mini sparkling wine and champagne bottles (quarter of a full bottle size) that we’ve been popping open every night and having with our dinner. It’s a fun ritual now, to pour a little bubbly into our champagne glasses (the ones P got from Tokyo) and toast to another quarantine day together.

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Funny how we both moved into this house, months into it, P realized we couldn’t live together so he bounced and got a high-rise at NEMA in the city.

And now here we are living together, smoothly, harmoniously, even synnergistically..

We’re enjoying each other and parallel playing. He’s in the library, I’m in the moon room. We’re both on the upper floor, west-facing side of the house doing our thing. And I take my calls in the pink chill room downstairs. And sometimes we go for a soak in the hot tub downstairs..

This house, our relationship is the quarantine dream..

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We had our first low level tension moment today. I was showing P what the appliance repairman was telling me about our finicky stove top. The readon why the ignitor still keeps clicking even after the fire is lit is because one of the pieces on the stove isn’t leveled and placed in its track correctly so the stove doesn’t detect the fire as on.

We still hear the clicking after the fire was lit. I check one of the stove tops that P had already determined was lined up right.

Why did you check that one? he asked in this tone that sounded judgy, Didn’t we already decide that one isn fine?

I dunno, I was just checking again. I said as I started to back away from the accusatory tone.

You’re walking way, he says.

I am, because of your tone.

Then we had a discussion about what just happened. I’m sensitive to tone. And his tone sounded judgy, his jaw was tight when he said it. He said that’s not a judgy tone, more an I’m-confused-and-I want-to-understand tone.

We both get it.  What I felt was not his intention.

We expressed what was inside our head..now we see. The meta talk smoothed it all out.

Not bad, we made it to day 4 and arrived at our first moment of friction. And the the low level tension quickly de-escalated though a meta discussion of our interpretation and feelings..

Go us and our non-violent communication

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After dinner, I texted A, my lover, I can’t talk tonight, I’m too tired. I read on the biomat and konked out at 9:30..

 

Day 5: Friday, March 20, 2020

 

Dear U,

I woke up at 7. I got 10+ hours of sleep last night. I feel amazing.

I like how every morning I wake up to a new feeling, mood and energy level.

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This morning, I did it all: I recorded my dream, morning pages (the messages came through so clearly to me in that stream of writing), I went for a walk/run to the bench, took in the sun, the canyon, prayer at the altar, meditate with the guru  and group remotely, masturbated, sex magick ritual

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Here’s the message coming though:

Everything has been a training for this moment. Everything has been a preparation for this moment. And by this moment, I mean this time here in quarantine.

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This house was made for this. It’s the “cocoon” that P and I searched for and found for this. I spent 5 years making this house a sanctuary for this. The hot tub, deck, the toto toilets, the landscaping, each and every bright and cozy room, I’ve been making it special for this..

And it took P 5 years to see this, now that he’s finally living in it with me, he sees how perfect this house of love is, for this..

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Our relationship, our 6 years of learning how to communicate to and be with each other. All this button pushing and rapid growth and evolution, all the plant medicine we’ve done, all the traveling, all the chapters, all the different housing situations we’ve had, all the deepening of our intimacy was preparation for this.

The way we work and flow together, and live together and support each other. We see now, we make an incredible team.

There’s nobody else I’d want to be in quarantine with, than you, P says daily.

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We can talk about and share everything with each other. Even to the point of P sharing with me sexy videos X sends him and the loving voice message L5 sends me. We see why we love our respective lovers and we love it.

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Everyday we marvel at our crazy relationship. We can’t believe that we’re in a long term relationship. Me, Mistress Colette, and P, my former client, whom I had in my phone as P Richie Rich, he was the new money techie with Asberger’s. Never did I think I was going to be in a relationship with him.

And never ever did I think that he was my soulmate.

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We reflect back on how much we’ve grown, how different and mature we are now..

How much of our ego has dissolve over the years..

Daily, we find ourselves reflecting back on how crazy and wild we were in our first years together.

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I think all that work of evolving together was made for this moment, this now.

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And then Pervette. The big a-ha for me is this: Pervette was made for this.

Never in our history are we so hungry for intimacy virtually as we are now.

This intimate website was made for this.

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And there’s a reason why I only have the bones of the site up right now.
I needed this time (of quarantine) to see what the world needs right now.

So now that I see what we really need more than ever (intimacy) I can create the space for it.

I just have the sand in the sandbox.

It’s time to build the playground and invite everyone in.

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Funny how this was always the aim.. to build an intimate website..

but I needed this moment, this crazy time to show itself, to push us to see what’s really important to build out the structure..

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I am creating Pervette for this.

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Okay, it’s time to go through all the paths of Pervette and think through how to carve it so that each path is like a room in this house. It’s intimate and inviting and makes you feel held and loved once in it.

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Whoa (realization), how I put together this house is how I’ll put together Pervette..

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Tarot cards of the day:

Page of Swords (fell out as I was shuffling):

New ideas, curiosity, thirst for knowledge, new ways of communicating

ou are bursting with new ideas and plans for the future. You may be excited about starting a new project, pursuing a new approach or learning something new. You have so much energy that you feel as though you could do almost anything – and you can! The challenge, however, is whether you can keep it up. As with all Pages, the beginning always looks promising, but you need something else to follow through and keep up the pace.

The Page of Swords often emerges when you are exploring a new way of thinking – a new idea, a new perspective, new knowledge, or a new technique.

As the Swords relate to communication, the Page of Swords suggests that you are exploring a different way of expressing yourself with others and communicating your ideas and opinions.

If you are looking for a sign to move ahead with a new project, the Page of Swords says, ‘Go for it!’

Ace of Pentacles (was used as a bookmark in the Tarot book I pulled out of the cabinet to read the symbol of Page of Swords): a

I am the seed of all that can be created

Finding yourself infinitely resourceful

A place of wealth

The  well of Untapped Reserves, for Matters of the House of Reserves (this is eerily on point and connected to everything I’m thinking and wrote above)

“In Jungian terms, the house is the symbol of the self”

“There is a material oppurtunity in the making that is not yet fully formed. You must be open and receptive to material reward: good times could be awaiting you. Now is the time to set the ball rolling on any venture or transaction..

See the Ace of Pentacles as your ‘green light’. It marks the initial stages of manifesting your goals and assures you that you can truly achieve what you have set your mind to do.

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Your ideas are ready to turn into something tangible and real! This card encourages you to map out how you will achieve your ambitions, create targeted plans and get those actions underway.

 

What I put inside me: Coconut vinegar shot, spring garden tea, Stamet 7,  P’s gluten free granola and Lava coconut yogurt scrap, (at 9:44am), lemon tea, quanyin tea,