Self/Care Quarantine: Week Two

 

Monday, March   23, 2020

 

Dear U,

It turned cloudy this morning. I slept in till 9:30am. When I came upstairs to record my dream, P had already made his latte and was journaling. He records the numbers of infections daily in his journal

35K in US

353K in World

New York is fucked, P said, We ran out of milk.

Uh oh..

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I checked my phone. I got a string of texts. My Urban Remedy order was scheduled to get delivered this morning, but now it says it’s cancelled. Fuck. I really wanted all those green juices and cacao chip protein bars.

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P was on the phone talking to his friend, T. When he got off the phone he said New York should be called Wu York.

Should we go to the store tomorrow? I asked. I can call C, the clerk at BNG that I know and ask him when the best times to go to the store are.

Oh right, I forgot you’re friends with the clerk there, P remembered, he’s the one who’s a part of the weird art cult.

It’s not a cult. But yeah, that’s the one.

Wow, times like these, I’m really glad you you’re a weirdo and have the grocery clerk’s number.

We can go in there with gloves, N-95 masks and sunglasses. Taht should be safe.

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I’m moving slowly..

I have a meeting with S, my web designer in Berlin. She thinks Germany is two weeks behind Italy and US is 2 weeks behind Berlin. She’s glad she’s not in the US since she thinks things might get violent and unruly here. Possibly..

I caught her up on the latest..

The Goddesspad plans, how L and I are turning our in person gatherings into virtual ones.

How I might need to prepare myself for a spike in users on Pervette once Em’s youtube post goes live

How I’m thinking through the layout and structure of the home page of Pervette. It’s community building focused while the Colette path leads to the -trix pages that are more like my offerings.. SHe gets it now.

It was great to bounce ideas off of her and clarify the two parts..she helped me think through how to delineate the different parts in each of the icons..the laptop with video icon will be where I post events.. past, present and future, that makes great sense..

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Pizza is coming, P says.

He had pizza last night.

I’m not hungry, but it’s Zachary’s bbq chicken. And it’s still hot. Fuck.

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Had my first socially distant hangout today, in Tilden park.

I gave A8 a screenshot of the map of the spot to meet (marked by my scribbled red blob) and the eventual spot where we’ll hang (marked by blue X).

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We found each other at the red blob, and I started walking 10 feet ahead of him..I led him to the secret spot.

We sat 8-10ft apart, looked out into the canyon, watched the family of eucalyptus trees sway.

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I’m happy he letsme record our conversation. When will we ever have a conversation like this, the first time hanging out in quarantine.

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He’s doing some deep cleaning in his studio. We both agree, Marie Kondo’s approach does not apply to creatives. We both want to keep things as potential material for our next art project.

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I told him I’m trying to figure out how to reconfigure Pervette to make it fit the needs of people right now.

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He introduced this theatre exercise.

So tell me a story and I’ll tell it back to you, he said.

Uh..we ran out of milk today, so I guess we’ll venture out to a grocery store.  It’s  a good thing I’m friends with the clerk that works at my local grocery store, I think I’ll call him up and ask him what the best hours are to go. And then I guess I’ll put on some latex gloves, N95 masks and sunglasses when I go in.

When he told my story back to me, I started laughing, at how ridiculous it sounded.

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He recommended Videodrome and Existenz for what I’m doing..

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As we were walking out of the secret spot, L facetimed me for our 4pm call. I waved to A8 goodbye.

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I had our GoddessPad meeting back in the secret spot and as I was walking back to the house..

We slated the Pervette Tea Party for Sunday, April 5th.

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L thinks we need to not be naked or in lingerie for our webinars. Phooey.

But we can tow the line, she says.

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P talks me into the 30 min intermediate flexibility yoga session.

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I cut up the chicken cutlet from yesterday’s lunch and throw it in with the kale I sauteed.

P toasts up his leftover Zachary’s bbq pizza in the toaster oven.

Whoa, leftovers, P says, these are tough times.

It’s our first leftovers dinner ever, I think. I like us being efficient and frugal together.

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Whoa, this pizza is soooo good! P exclaims, he’s pleasantly surprised.  This might be the first time he’s had leftover pizza.

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Our dinner, P asks if I want to watch the first episode of Season 3 of Westworld. (Today, A8 said he’s been watching Westworld)

I said, Sure.

I haven’t watched a show in a long time.. Maybe the last thing I saw was season 1 of Billions, which I didn’t finish.

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I see why it’s popular. I like rooting for the sexy fearless rape victim AI protagonist.

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After the show, P went to bed, I meditated with the guru and meditation group remotely, and then I went online to Trashy Lingerie and ordered for me and X schoolgirl outfits and a thin sea through lacey french maid outfit for X. I like how I’m doing all the shopping for P’s sugarbaby.

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I wonder how X wants to be called  by me and P collectively. She’s referred to as P’s sugarbaby and my girl Friday.

Maybe together, she’s our slutkitten.

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When she come sup here, I’ll ask what honorific she prefers.

 

Day 9: Tuesday, March 24, 2020

 

Dear U,

Big day: P and I went tot he grocery store. Prepared.

P packed a bag filled with our masks, gloves, wipes, purell, spray bottle of alchohol and paper towels.

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Thank goodness it’s gray and drizzley. It dirves away the crowds and the virus doesn’t live well in moisture.

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We did a drive by of 7 stores to scope out the crowd situation…

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Andronico’s: no line

Local butcher shop, open and empty

Berkeley Natural Grocery: open and there’s a line where deveryone is maintaining their distance at 6 ft apart

WholeFoods: there’s a line with no one maintaining their distance

Sprouts: no line

El Cerrito Natural Grocery: shorter line..

I say we go for it.

 

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Yay, lots of things are in stock. It’s nice to shop here, there aren’t any personal shoppers, it almost feels normal..

There were others wearing masks, some wore gloves. We wore the ones wearing both and our glasses, just in case..

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We got milk, chocolate, coconut yogurt, spaghetti, pasta sauce, a ton of Honey Mama’s chocolate, chips, berries, the usual veggies, cod, prisciouto,

Total: $587

I might’ve thrown in a few other items I can’t remember they were now..

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When we got home, P spayed all the refrigerator items with rubbing alcohol and I washed the produce with warm water.

We left everything else aside to sit for 24 hours before we put it away tomorrow.

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Are you having pizza again? I ask

Uh yeah.

I  think you had pizza yesterday for lunch and dinner and pizza the night before for dinner. That’s pizza 4 times in a row..

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P and his pizza, chocolate chip cookies and VR. Being with him feels like being with a grown up kid with resources.

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We do yoga together at the magic hour in the magic room. The way the yellow sunlight comes in through the trees and creates this scatterlight on the walls, makes me wish I document more how beautiful this space is at this time of day.

I love how we’ve been doing yoga together everyday since P’s been here.

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Our cannabis delivery from Sava arrives. Ooo flower and cartridges.

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Nike has a 25% off corona sale. I order some black running shoes for me and P. I’m gonna use my shoes to learn how to shuffle, for TikTok.

P cleans the kitchen, cooks the bacon as I make the veggie stirfry.  We both like this new us, spending quaility time in the kitchen together.

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After dinner, I decide to smoke a little flower from the volcano for the first time in a long time (first time in 2020?)

With an intention

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P says he really loves this house. He thanked me for making it a cozy cocoon. And I thanked him for allowing me to make it a cocoon.

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We have this joke, that once I make it big, I’m gonna pay P back by getting him his VIsion jet.

And then when I’m in the jet and I’m all like this is really nice, and then you’ll be all like, Hey P Mupps, I’m gonna sell this jet, and then I’m all traumatized and I’m all like hey, that’s really sad, because this jet is really nice and I was gonna make some art in it and stuff, P says. He’s making fun of me and our situation of the past 6 years and our possible future.

Should we have sex before X arrives? I ask.

Would it be weird? we both wonder.

What’s weirder? That we don’t have sex while he fucks X while she’s here. Or that we have sex before she arrives?

Wait. She’s coming Friday. That means we have Wednesday and Thursday. Whoa that’s really soon.

Maybe we can just do what the Mormons do and soak or something? I suggest.

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P’s been on his VR everyday for 3-5 times a day. It’s  a nice way for us to be ion the upper floor together but in own worlds.

 

He convinced his best friends to get the Oculus too. Just right now, P and his Tokyo friend and Atlanta friend all met in some Zombie killing game and played together. It was very cute to overheat their  gaming conversation.

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I was disrupted form my typing to you with P’s crying. I found him  in the pantry closet, sulking like a child (he’s being facetious)

What’s going on? I ask as I run over to him and hug him.

You didn’t want to watch Westworld with me and you didn’t even notice I was in the room because you were too busy typing..

Oh, that’s really sad. I said, but we can watch Westworld tomorrow, mupps. I just didn’t get any work done today because of the grocery shopping, and kitchen tidying and cooking..

I realize I sound like a mom..

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That’s what it is. P and I take turns playing the child and the parent with each other. It’s what we need from each other. And we play our part really well. So well that we can’t even imagine playing any other part.

P’s my daddy and my baby. I’m the mother and the mupp child to him. There’s no room for the whore in my roles for him

That’s why I have my 2 lovers.

And that’s why he has his 2 sugarbabies.

it all works out..

 

Okay, now I gotta work  on Goddesspad.com copy and Pervette.com landing page and the Colette-trix paths..

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What I put inside me. coconut vinegar shot, Urban Remedy celery juice, frothed chicken bone broth, 1/16 of a slice of P’s 3 cheese pizza, Lava cococut yogurt with granola and black and raspberries mixed it, hot chocolate protein collagen drink with all the things in it, pistachios, cashews pecans, a tiny kushi, veggie stirfry with fried egg, Prosecco, blue dream flower via the Volcano, Honey Mama’s rose lavender, blueberries.

 

Day 10: Wednesday, March 25, 2020, 8:44pm

 

Dear U,

It was officially groundhog day to us this past Monday. Now it’s all normalized..

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I actually have a lot of time to self. P takes two naps during the day. One mid-morning and one mid-afternoon. Each about an hour and half long and he goes to bed at 10.

I, on the other hand, take no naps and stay up till 2:44am. We both wake up around 8am. I essentially have 8 more waking hours than P. And in those 8 hours, it’s quiet.

And even when P’s awake, we’re parallel playing. He’s in the library on his computer or in the magic room on his VR headset killing zombies while I’m on the biomat, doing my mupp things, recording, writing, reading, getting back to people or in the pink chill room downstairs taking a zoom call.

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We have our quality time.. doing yoga, cooking and cleaning, going for a drive by around the desolate time, or going for a magic hour walk in the woods behind our house, snacking, muppeting around,

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Everyday feels like x-mas. Tons of amazon packages, a cannabis delivery almost daily (we like Sava), and today our Instacart from Berkeley Bowl arrived. Almost all the things in our 22 item list were in stock. Honey Mama’s wasn’t, but we got a ton yesterday at El Cerrito Natural Grocery.

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We have our routines and protocols. P sanitizes all the packages and deliveries. I put them away.

We are so well stocked in snacks and cannabis, it’s insane..

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Today, the massage gun and food vacuum sealer arrived. Sweet.

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This morning, I was concerned that the Bordelle lingerie I ordered for X might not make it in time when she’s here, because I didn’t catch their email about needing verification for my transaction (P’s billing address doesn’t match our shipping address).

Should I put in a backup Agent Provocateur order? I ask P.

It’s not that big of a deal, P says.

I was put off by his dismissiveness.

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Our second low level tension moment.

But it quickly dissipated when we talked about it and recognize the irony of it all, he’s ticked that I’m getting worked up about the lingerie I’m ordering for his sugarbaby might not come in time.

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A texts to tell me his new lover is feeling weird that he connected us two.

A few more talks and when me and her start chatting, everything will be fine.

He agreed.

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Threesomes all around..

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I stayed up late last night working on the Goddesspad.com About Us text.

L loves it.

Our Goddesspad LLC just got filed. Woohoo.

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L suggests that my Pervette Tea Stream becomes a weekly livestream with different guests. I never thought about that. Upon reflection, I like the idea.

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This morning I work on the Pervette Tea Stream copy. Get back to a few gals who are interested in the webinar and tea stream. I work on the landing page. I decided to add a little scrolling pink text, to preface Pervette is still a very scrappy work in progress.

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I realize this post is becoming my default journal. I actually am pulling back and not going as deep as I would if it were my straight up journal, but as it is, it’s pretty personal. I can’t help it, I like to go there..

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Throughout today, the meditative spell came over me and I sat with it. I like how P is just doing his thing on his ipad while I walk away and meditate nearby, our flow is getting very fluid.

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The longer the days, the more we regress to our child selves. P had pizza again for lunch, and an ice cream sandwich for desert.

We get excited about all the deliveries, esp the cannabis one, that one feels like a candy delivery. Because we did order a ton of chocolate and gummy edibles..

As I’m writing to you, P is facetiming with X, our slutkitten. She’s excited about coming up to visit us.

I need to order bathmats for her bathroom. We threw the old ones away after the bday party, for good reason.

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I sneak up to P as he’s dancing in his VR game. I film him..he looks goofy. Great job Mupps! I said as the sone finishes and he realizes I was watching an filming him the whole time. We live to see the other embarrassed. He was.

He shows me hoe to play. I give it a try and dance to Laday Gaga’s Poker Face. He films me.

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P makes a fort with the aerial silk, we get in it and he hotboxes it. It works!

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P says his arm is sore from his VR boxing game.

Ooo let’s try the new massage gun!

He was apprehensive at first. Then he got into it. Started laughing hysterically at the pain. My fave. I tried it on his penis, he laughs, takes the gun and tries it on me trying to get my pussy. We both laugh..god we’re just kids.

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We were gonna watch Westworld (since I did promise P last night I would) but then P got excited about making a PB and J sandwich, which I helped him make, and after eating that decadent sandwich, he got tired and was ready for bed.

Perfect.

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Ordered bath mats and faux fur blanket, Hamilton’s Dreams and the Underworld and Existential Kink (Amazon recommend).

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Now time to work on Pervette..

The days go by too quickly.

What I put inside me: shot of coconut cider vinegar, lemon tea, my special blend tea, Urban Remedy glow green juice, frothed Three Stone Hearth chicken bone broth, Cocojune yogurt with granola and blueberries, Real Coconut tortilla chips with Tonnino’s jalapeno tuna and salted avo, a whole overripe mango that’s been sitting on the altar, miso cod and roasted asparagus (I cooked for me and P), sake, Honey Mama’s Lavender Rose, a taste of P’s pb and J sandwich, a taste of P’s ice cream sandwich, gymnostema tea

 

Day 11: Thursday, March 26 , 2020

 

A very busy day. Back to back bizness meetings.

I facetimed L. Now that we have an LLC formed we have to discuss how we want to get paid. Payrolll doesn’t make sense. The other two options which involved bizness words that I can’t remember were better options..

L and I both feel like our partnership has been really nice and fluid so far.

I love you so much, I tell her, I’m so happy we’re doing this.

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After our facetime, I zoomed with A9, A’s new girl and her co-founder. This was our first time connecting. It’s interesting because it was in a professional context. I learned more about her company which is about creating virtual gatherings for women. We discussed how I can host a few virtual gaterings talking about pleasure, power, and intimacy..

I talked about how I’m a pansexual in an open relationship and down to talk about sexual identity and nonmonogamy as well.

She said she was pansexual as well.

I like that she wanted that to be known.

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After that zoom, I did a zoom recording with S and R. We did our first episode of our virtual gathering talking about stillness and sharing a still ness exercise. Mine was sipping tea.

It was good practice.

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After that zoom, I had a 2 hour call with L5. He shared with me how he doesn’t like talking about or hearing about a girl he’s with being with another other man.

But he’s open to trying, so he asked me about my relationship with P. He was confused, what’s the point of the relationship if we don’t see each other that much. I explained to him that intimacy for us is not about being with each other physically, it’s about companionship and shared experiences and how we push each other to grow and every season brings  a new chapter to our relationship, it’s always changing..

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I brought up the topic of how I felt  uncomfortable about his lack of using protection.

He explains to me his aversion to condoms. Sex with condoms is pointless to him, he explains, It feels so wrong to put on a condom and be denied the feeling of a woman’s wet pussy.

And he says it’s also a cultural thing, being Swedish, European guys are used to not using condoms.

But he doesn’t want me to feel unsafe, so he’s looking forward to doing research on the most expensive condoms and trying them.

The way he described his aversion to condoms made me crack up..

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From 1-7pm I was mostly in calls, in between I got to snack with P in the kitchen and have a quick hello. While I was busy connecting, P was on his VR.

When I had come out of my call with L5, P had set up his new Nintendo Switch and was playing Mario Kart with his old college friends. Just like how they used to back in the day.

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We made fancy spaghetti with grassfed and finished ground beef. And cracked open a bottle of cabernet.

 

Saturday, March 28, 2020 2:05pm

 

Dear U,

These are strange times..

I fell asleep on the slantboard last night around 4:40am, woke up around 6:30 and crawled into bed with P.

When I woke up, I can hear the sounds of P playing Mario Kart with his new Nintendo switch.

At some point prior he had already fucked X.

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When I came up, X was on the phone in the breakfast nook, P came in as well, P wanted me or us to make breakfast. I wasn’t hungry but down to help. I was in a present mode.

Our first time making breakfast in a long time. It’a takes a minute for our different styles to align. He was making the bacon, I was making the scrambled eggs. he overheated the pans, I rolled with it, he was feeling tense and thought there was low level tension. Not from me, I said. I was feeling zen. Zen mom vibes.

We had a good meta talk about it..he had a lot of unspoken assumptions, he realized..he wanted me to read his mind..

All the while our little X hops in and out of the kitchen asking if we need help, with her eyes on the phone.

We’re good, we say, as we talk through our low level tension and make our eggs and bacon..

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X and I talk though pervette..

after several different pots of tea, oolong, green tea, frothed bone broth, lotus root chips,

We went everywhere..we make such a good team…I’m the airy visionary idea factory once she gets my wheels turning..and she’s the grounded one trying to contain my million ideas into something tractable.

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At some points P would come in with his two sense. He tells X that he’s heard me talk about Pervette for 5 years now.. and I still have yet to make money from it.

The point isn’t to make money, X says. (She’s heard me talk about community-building so much that she thinks that money is

If the goal isn’t to make money, then there’s no point of me talking to you guys, P says.

Making money is part of the process of pervette, but it’s not the end goal, I explain to both of them, Making money is just a means to realizing the dream.

P shakes his head at me as if he’s heard me one too many times  explain myself away.

And he says, Oh Mupps, I just want you to succeed.

I can’t tell from his tone, if he’s  he’s tired of seeing me go in loops or something else more sincere.

But he comes over and holds me, tears well up in my eyes, I’m not sure from what, was it words words, or the exasperated tone..X is at the table with us, a part of this tender moment.

I know that having X there, P feels more inclined to be a supportive (and not dismissive partner) but there’s also a part of him that’s truly coming around.

And at several points in my pervette powwow with X, P would come in with good insights..

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We went from 10:30am till 3pm

Oh my god, you guys are still talking? P says when he came back into the kitchen. I’ve like played VR, jumped in the hot tub, took a nap, was at my computer, and every time I come back here you guys are still talking about Pervette. That’s crazy..

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We decided to give our brainstorming a break. X went for a walk outside. It was a gray wet day.

I went downstairs into the chill room, to take my call with G. We talked about the dungeon studio rent. No one is using the studio right now. We can cover April’s rent from our previous months’ profit but May’s rent is prolly gonna come out of our pockets.

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Ginger and Icy Hot are G’s go to torture tools of choice during these times of phone domination.

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After we got off the phone, I can hear X getting pounded by P upstairs in the orgy room. She sounds good getting fucked. This is new, living with P and his sugarbaby, hearing him have sex with another while I’m in another room. How do I feel? Oddly fine. I’m aware that if I had any ego attached to this, I would feel differently. If anything I feel great that I don’t have any ego attached to it. I’m happy that P is happy getting off, even though we haven’t had sex in months.

In some strange way, this feels natural to me.

Maybe because I’m so focused on Pervette and there’s some velocity all the while I’m meditating.. I feel like all my needs are met. I’m good.

Hmm..it’s 4:39. P2 is coming over to pick up Cutie at 4:44. I hope they finish in time so it doesn’t get awkward when P2 opens the front door (he has the key to the house) to grab Cutie and interrupts their fucking by the sound of the door opening..

here P come at 4:42. I bring Cutie to the foyer and see P2 coming up through the window.

I open the door, P2 and I exchange our pleansantries as I hand Cutie to him. We chat briefly, quarantine life is treating him well, a few minutes later P comes down the stairs from the orgy room to say hi to P2 as well. This house is getting weirder and weirder..

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All three of us do yoga at the magic hour in the magic room. After yoga, Z teaches me her abs and glutes exercise and we do it together trading off on the theraband she has.

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I cook us dinner. Cauliflower cashew vegan tikka masala with basmati rice. P and I are in the kitchen.

I knocked the back out of her so good, P say with his teeth gritted,  I got to spit on her, it was so good.

P and I like to talk like we’re bros in the locker room when we talk about fucking others.

Oh wow, Mupps, I said, Wait, did you get any spit on the sofa?

No no it was all on her face.

Oh wow! Good job mupps.

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I feel so matriarchal with X around, I tell P.

Oh yeah, I feel patriarchal. P says, it’s like having a teenage daughter around.

Yeah but better, I said, because it’s one that you can fuck.

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I like how you tap her pussy while I tap her brain, I said.

Yeah, it’s so perfect, P says, then he goes downstairs to call her up for dinner.

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I feel like this is how it was back in the days before the nuclear family structure was a thing. Is this how it was with the Mormon polygamists or the Chinese concubines?

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I feel powerful. I’ve been running on 4 hours of sleep for the past three days, yet my mind is concentrated and insights keep coming to me. I feel fully present to every moment..I’m enjoying this new side of me that’s coming out with X here: mother, sisterwife,  dommy (as she calls me), co-conspirator..

And then there’s the partnership with L in Goddesspad, and then there’s my amazingly weird and wacky relationship with P. On top of all the projects I’m doing..I feel like I can navigate it all with ease and grace.

I feel superhuman.

Something is happening. I’m growing. Amidst the chaos outside of our cocoon. I’m brewing magic with my friends and soulmates. Something big is going to happen, all the synchronicities are showing me the way..I can feel it..everything is as it should be, this velocity I feel..it’s pushing me…

 

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After dinner, X washes the dishes, her and P tidy up the kitchen. I don’t mind at all that he pulls down her panties and touches her periodically, I only wonder how she feels that he’s doing it with me there, does she feel embarrassed?

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I like how we’re all so comfortable, all in our comfy pj’s, P’s head is on X’s lap on the sofa, I’m on the biomat next to them, cuing up trailers for Videodrome and Existenz, sci-fi films that A8 recommended to me me.

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P puts on Westworld, he’s in the middle of the sofa sandwiched by us.

I watched for 10 min but had to go downstairs to meditate with the guru at 10pm. P was a little butthurt.

But X is here.

Yeah, I can watch it with you, she said.

Okay…,p says

Hey, that’s why you have two of your Asian bitches here. That way we can tag team.

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Meditation was deep…

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I love how I don’t feel jealousy. Just deep love and compassion for X.

I love how my intuition guided me to invite her up last week.

And it was the best decision I could’ve made.

The house feels so fun with us three.

My sisterwife dream is coming true.

.

 

Day 14: Sunday, March 29, 2020 10:37am

 

Dear U,

I feel a lightness in my body and breath.

The deep meditation last night and this morning did me good.

I like how I can slip away into the pink chill room and meditate and masturbate while P has X to talk to upstairs while he makes his latte.

I’m beginning to see the incredible affordances of having a sisterwife, I get my time back. it’s amazing.

Wow, life is kinda amazing when you can dissolve your ego, practice loving compassion  and stuff.

P is so happy we got both his Asian ladies in the house. His main mupp and little minxy slutkitten.

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I like how the eventual shoot that I’m going to do with X sometime when she’s here is motivating me to get in good shape. I’m aware that her being 95 pounds, and me being 20 pounds heavier might make me look like a cow..anyways..

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I want to talk more about this strange amazing feeling I have with X here. I think it comes from the excitement that I am testing my ego and I’m passing my own ego check  test. I mean she’s 22, young, skinny, brilliant and P is absolutely smitten with her.

I’m not threatened, I’m not jealous, I’m happy that P is over the moon happy. And I love that she’s here and we’re all enjoying each other’s presence and it’s comfy and fluid.  I love her energy and I love what she brings to my relationship with P. It feels complete with her here.

Time is finite. Time given to P to give him the attention that he needs was time taken away from myself. Which I was happy to do..And I think I did that these past two weeks. But now I need more time to work on pervette and goddesspad. And with X here, P can get his attention form her and I can get more focused.

And X is also helping me get focused with her grounded practical approach to things. It’s really incredible how synnergistic this

 

Day 16: Tuesday, March 331, 2020 2:55pm

 

Dear U,

It’s a magical day. I woke up remembered and recorded my dream and did what I envisioned doing for for the past couple of days  and have yet to do until today :

I meditated with the guru and group remotely at 8:30am in the pink chill room and went straight into one hour of writing for Pervette.

I wrote out Power Points, the new page fro the Cutie icon..

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I realize now that I need a cozy little cave downstairs away from the tempting pantry of snacks, chatty mupps and absolutely no distractions.

And holy fuck it felt so good to get an hour of meditation and writing in back to back. I had already accomplished os much before 11:11am

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When I came out of my pink cave, P was just about to take a nap, I wished him g’nap. X was downstairs in the orgy room journaling on her computer. I made my lemon tea and came in.

It’s 11:11am she said.

.

I told her I wanted to check in with how she about P’s behavior. She said that her and P had a talk while I was meditating (and they were making pancakes). She knew that I had a talk about it with P last night.

She thinks I’m her guardian angel.

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I told her that I wasn’t sure what was normal between her and him and so I assumed that him groping her and having sex whenever he wanted was the norm, but it was yesterday that I picked up some of her cues that that might not be the case.

She said she was just journaling about and read what she wrote to me. I love what she shared.

I told her it’s good that she’s learning how to communicate her boundaries. And it’s important to me that she feels comfortable here. So let’s keep telling each other what our needs, boundaries and feelings are.

It was a very nice bonding moment.

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I realize I might’ve sound like a callous bro in my previous entries. I went along with P’s jocular nature in describing his relationship with X.

But underneath the bro joking talk, “like knocking the back out” and all that shit, there’s deep respect here for X’s feelings.

.

I’m glad that X told P that she needs a break from sex since she’s been bleeding. I hope it’s not from him knocking her back out.

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The house is so beautifully quiet. With P napping downstairs and X in the orgy room journaling. I was in a deep meditative state while reading on the biomat so much thatI took a meditation/nap. For the first time, I’ve slowed down, it almost feels like how it was when I was here all alone.

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It’s a glorious day, so sunny and bright that I’m actually outside at the bistro table writing to you. Earlier I was sipping tea, watching the birds fly to our bird feeder, with Cutie.

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I feel so aligned. And present.

 

How do I begin to catch you up on these magical days?

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I love every moment. It’s been ab blessing having X here. P and I both enjoying seeing her make this cocoon her home. We find everything she does to be so cure. She in the hot tub yesterday while talking her class (since everything is now online).

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P says the biggest difference between life in quarantine  and prior to it is  that he’s traveling way less and more appreciative of everything.

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I see eve

 

Wednesday, April 1, 2020 8:17pm

 

Dear U,

My grandma passed away today.

My sister called me when I was in the middle of my zoom call with the women of breakup bootcamp, giving advice on how to make it through the quarantine.

I didn’t see her text till after the meeting and I was putting on my shoes to go on a walk with P and X.

Can you call me. Grandma passed away

I told P and X to go on ahead.

P held me for a moment as I called my sister. She’s been crying.

We weeped together.

And we can’t even go to Vietnam right now, she said.

I know.

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Why don’t you call mom, she says, and we can talk after..

Okay, I’ll do that.

 

I call mom.

She’s emotional but holding it together.

I asked when did she receive the news.

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It was around 4:39 during her prayer.

She had facetimed my grandmother earlier

and she was short of breath and couldn’t talk

there was a doctor there, he thought she be okay.

.

My mom decided to go pray.

In her prayer, she asked that if grandma can survive this and get better that’d be good, but she also prayed that if it was better for her to pass away swiftly and not endure any more suffering than that’s be good too.

And then my aunt called to tell her that their mom had passed.

.

I think my mom felt like her prayers were answered.

She did wax remorseful that if she had gone back during Chinese New Year, she would’ve been able to see her in time, but both my sister and I were too busy at the time.

.

 

I can’t tell what’s upsetting me.

.

I think it could be P’s tonedeaf-ness..

Maybe it’s because he’s on the spectrum and he doesn’t know how to handle another’s sad emotions.

.

Maybe because he was on a high from fucking X earlier today, which would’ve been fine  any other day.

Or maybe because he’s high.

Or he thinks the best way he can be here for me is to be cheerfully high.

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He’s in a sing-songy mood, and he’s singing and trying to make all his sentences rhyme.

Our energies aren’t matching.

I don’t feel his empathy. And it saddens me.

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He’s trying to be here for me in the best way he knows how. Which is  asbergery.

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As I’m writing to you with tears rolling down my cheeks, I hear him talking cheerfully with X downstairs as they open the Trashy Lingerie package, which contained the sexy schoolgirl and maid outfit I got for X.  I can feel X  tuning into my energy, I hear her giving him cues to be more sensitive.

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What am I crying about?

That my grandma passed away?

Or that my partner doesn’t quite know how to hold space for me, esp because he’s distracted by his sugarbaby/my sisterwife?

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It’s a strange time.

I feel collected.

I feel focused.

I feel motivated to let everything push me to do the work that I need to do.

.

How can I serve..

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9:44pm

 

Dear U,

I feel better now.

X popped into the moon room  earlier and she was wearing a mud mask. I’ve been thinking of doing  a mud mask these past few days.

I asked her if she likes the mask she’s using.

She said it might not be that effective since it’s all glittery.

.

P popped in and out asking if I need anything. I said I’m good. Just silence.

P says X is journaling and he’ll go downstairs and podcast, so I have the whole upstairs space to myself.

.

I came down to use my new aztec clay mudmask and I knocked on X’s door to offer mine since it doesn’t have glitter and has been to be really effective.

She graciously accepted and we both went into her bathroom so she  can apply her second mask for the night.

The  I told her how much I appreciated having her here. Her support and energy, and sensitivity to energy has been really wonderful.

She blushed and said she’s just going off of my energy and it’s a  feedback loop..

Yeah, I just to say thank you and I love you

And then we held each other, and got each other’s green mud in each other’s hair.

It was a really nice bonding moment.

.

Earlier at dinner, we talked about X’s departure. She  said her plan was dot leave Monday to take her Econ test Tuesday. But her plans are dependent on if P  was willing to help her cheat on her test. Since it’s an online test, having P working on it with X might help her pass it.

P was a little hesitant at first, bc him working on Econ would require of him to not smoke so much.

Not necessarily, I said, you can probably do it high since you know these concepts so well.

X and I both worked our ways into talking him into helping her out, it’ll be fun, we framed it..

And he agreed.

So maybe X might stay longer.

No pressure, we tell her and we mean it. She’s good at feeling into things. And her and I both discussed that she can up again in a  few weeks, whenever she wants.

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I love her presence has made P more invested into Pervette.

Their foreplay today was X asking P how he can help us with Pervette. She wouldn’t let him take off her pants until he provided an answer. I love her style.

He said he can help by keeping me focused.

Which is good.

X today is also noticing my pattern.. I have a  tone of ideas.. I want to do it all… and I don’t get much of any one thing done..

 

Yeah, Pervette is tracking my ADHD.

.

Funny how I had this feeling yesterday that I need to call my mom and sister today. And today they both called..

 

.

 

I can’t judge P. For being high, high energy, and smily and not matching my grandma passed away energy.

.

It’s nice to have X here.  She’s sensitive.

.

Her awareness of P’s tone-deafness during this time makes me more aware that I can’t get the empathy from him that I desire.

 

 

 

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