The Resolve: Do I Tell My Boyfriend I Want to be a Dominatrix?

Dear Colette,

I thought I would share my update. My secret is a secret no longer. The two closest people in my life now known, though not entirely by my choice.

In my previous post I stated that I had my suspicions that my mother knew, and I was right. A few weeks ago her and I were talking she casually slipped in that she knew I was doing sex work. It didn’t come into surprise for me and I responded simply with “Yeah, I knew you knew. You kept dropping hints that made it pretty obvious!” and left it at that for the night. Later on we spoke more on the subject and she shared with me her experience as a dominatrix, how she got into it, and why she quit. Overall she told me her experience was positive, and that she would understand and support my decision if I did decide to get back into pro domination. It was wonderful to find an ally in the most influential woman in my life. And not having to worry about the judgement that most people are fearful of when coming out to family members.

On the contrast my boyfriend’s reaction was very much the opposite. First let me state that I did not handle this correctly. I should have told him from the very beginning that I was working as a dominatrix. I already had an infatuation with him for many years and I didn’t want to take any chances. Being in this relationship and being a sex worker were both new to me, and I decided that “Hey, I have no clue where either one is going to go, so I’ll just do both and see what happens! If one doesn’t work I’ll just continue to pursue the other.” Unfortunately I fell in love with him and my work. And no matter how much I fantasized I couldn’t have both and I was fearful of outing myself. Turns out I didn’t have to.

I was outed by my boyfriend’s best friend. (How he found out is an entire story in itself.) And with a warning from my friend (his sister) I had about five minutes to mentally prepare myself for the conversation I was about to have. My boyfriend was bewildered, devastated and heartbroken. To the best of my ability I tried to explain to him my interest in being a dominatrix, that is wasn’t because I didn’t love him or was sexually unsatisfied. That I respected his disinterested in kink but that I needed an outlet so I can explore myself. And that overall, I was sorry. None of it resonated with him. To him I betrayed him, that our entire relationship was a lie and I was lying about who I was. That he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but now he couldn’t believe I would do such a terrible thing. After the storm I spent the next couple days just keeping him company trying to reassure him that I did love him. But in the end he broke up with me, saying that he needs time to heal and isn’t comfortable with intimacy anymore. He still wanted to see each other just as frequently as “friends” and wants to be able to rekindle our relationship when he feels ready to. I begrudgingly obliged and went home.

After a day away from him I started to think more on the situation and about myself. I love him and I want the world for him, but I can’t just do everything to appease him. What about myself? What do I want? I still have the burning desire for BDSM and becoming the domina of my dreams. Do I really want to devote my current self to living a normal life or do what I’ve always wanted? No, that would be boring and depressing. I’m not that kind of person, I need intrigue in my life. While my relationship was perfect in almost every single way, what he wants is not who I am. I’m going to go back into becoming a pro dominatrix.

I confronted him and now it’s officially over. No weird “friendship” period between us, no more sex, and as far as I’m aware of he doesn’t want to ever speak to me again. I’m sad but I’m okay. Relieved that I no longer have this secret weighing on me. I’m glad I was able to fall in love with him, and him with me. I’m glad to have the memories that we had created together, and to have met someone who helped me face my worst demons. We never fought, we never spoke ill about each other, and we had some of the most mind blowing sex ever. But in the end it was so fragile, and it only took four days for everything we built together to crumble away. All I can do now is hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me, and that he finds someone who loved him just as much as I do. Maybe even more…

Thank you so much Colette for your help, support and understanding.

Mistress R.

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Dear Mistress R,

Thank you for writing and sharing with us where you are. And my goodness, you’ve been through quite a bit since I last wrote you.

I’m so sorry you’ve been outed. I’ll say this from experience: That’s the worst.

It’s the worst feeling ever. To be blindsided. To have have your secret (which you’ve held so closely to yourself) be torn away from your clutches. To see the the last person you want to hurt be hurt by the truth you were afraid to share. To confront and live through your nightmare. That’s the worst. And I promise you. That the worst is over.

You faced your fear. You lived through the pain of hurting another. You handled it thoughtfully by not falling back on what you knew, which was the comfort of your old relationship. You said goodbye to it and to your old ways of being. You learned how to let go. And you found your freedom to be you.

What’s more?  You learned how to not repeat the same mistake.  You’ve learned that to be loved for all of who you are, you have to begin by being true to yourself and others.  And now that the structure of your reality (built upon secrets and lies) has collapsed, you can now rebuild the foundation of your core self and your relationships grounded in truth, allowing them to grow deeper and stronger.

The timing of everything seem so uncanny. As soon as you were out to your mom, you were outed to your boyfriend. You gained the most valuable ally just in time. And you also have me now.  We’re all here to support you in your next chapter.

Can I just say, I’m so proud of you. And I’m so looking forward to your return, Mistress R…

Love,

Colette