It was 14 years ago (Jesus Christ, I’m getting old) this month (April in 2005) when I took my first session as a professional dominatrix. I was 23 and had no clue as to why men would pay someone like me to tie them up and beat them. It was a strange and foreign world that sparked my curiosity. I heard it was somewhat risky (legality-wise)to be a pro domme, but I figured it would be an interesting, relatively high-paying, flexible side job while I was in grad school. And also I was pretty sure it would make a good story to tell.

So here I am, looking back and telling you what I’ve learned.
There’s so much that I’m not even sure where and how to begin. I think I’ll try to go chronologically and list the lessons and insights I gathered from the start of it all till now. There’s a lot. And I’m still learning, so as you imagine, this list will keep on growing as I keep on going.

(Just so you know, this is a working draft that I’m just starting. It’s a little raw and all over the place. Please come back later to see how I expand on each point, add to the list and hopefully tidy it up..)

Here’s what I learned..

1. Normal is all relative. I had this impression when I first started that the men who seek professional dominatrices are kinda strange (maybe even crazy). I mean I had my own fair share of medical play fantasies from time to time and I got off (so many times) reading The Story of O, but that’s different. Because it’s normal for women to want to have rape fantasies (I read that in a book somewhere when I was in high school) and feel taken and desired, but a man wanting to be degraded and tortured, that I didn’t get. Until I met the men who desired such things and got to know them…first through our negotiation, where they tell me their desires and I realized…
2. How to see myself in a different way and overcome my body dysmorphia. Yeah I had quite a few eating disorders in high school and college and continually thought I should eat less. I never thought I had an attractive body until..
3. How to create a safe space to share and explore one’s deep dark fantasies..
4. How to communicate boundaries and consent..
4. How to build relationships..
5. How to play with with rope, whips, electricity, and other kinky things..
5. How to not fake it..
6. How to read a man’s mind..
6. How to shape shift..
6. How to push buttons and boundaries(in a good way)..
7. How to come out and be proud of who I am and what I do
8. How to be a Domme Mom.
9. How to value my time and emotional labor
10. How to build and be a part of a community of supportive sisters
11. How to dispel misconceptions about things taboo..
12. How to play with power exchange
13. How to not lose your power or give it away..

14. How to find your pleasure, in unexpected places

15. How to take care of myself and guard my energy

16. How to express myself..

17. How to say no

18. How to make others say yes

19. How to find my center

 

To  be continued…

 

If you want to start at the beginning go to yes 

If you want to see my work in progress Domme Guide