one day everything seems great and normal, i just got done teaching the shadow series to an incredible cohort of mistresses. still on the high from the class, i start thinking about my summer plans and all the creative projects i wanna launch, then i get a phone call from my mom. she’s not doing well after her mri and needs me to come back home. i book a flight and fly home the next day.

it started as just a dull aching sciatica pain that gradually crept up on her over a span of months. we were concerned that the pain coming from her lung cancer which had already spread to her spine and hipbones.¹but it was somewhat stabilized by her targeted therapy medication so we had to get scans to see if her cancer had progressed. it was the second mri on her thoracic spine that went terribly wrong. the contrast dye was injected too quickly and incompetently by a very unfriendly²or downright bitchy, my mom said technician. my mom felt a burning sensation throughout her body and thought she was gonna pass out. and ever since her pain level went from a manageable level 2 (out of 10) to crippling 8 and sometimes 10, like we should call 911 level 10.

.

my whole summer became devoted to taking care of her. feeding her, massaging her, reaching out to different doctors and naturopaths, trying every remedy out there in hopes that it can alleviate the shooting pain down her right leg. but nothing moved the needle. tramadol, hydrocodone, oxycontin, we kept on moving up the ladder of painkillers and trying different nerve pain killers to no avail.  it’s a mystery, is it the cancer or is it the contrast dye from the mri (aka gadolinium, which is a toxic heavy metal) that’s causing the pain? when i wasn’t tending to my mom, i’m on the computer going down the reddit rabbithole of gadolinium toxicity and gadolinium deposition disease. it’s a not a well-known thing, but it is a thing. the mri contrast dye is essentially a toxic heavy metal that can cause neuropathic pain, among many other awful things. supposedly you pee out the gadolinium a day after your mri, but that’s not true for some. chuck norris’ wife was crippled by it and they had to spend millions of dollars in stem cell treatments in china to treat her. they tried suing the makers of the contrast dye. they lost. the more horror stories i read about gadolinium, the more anxious i got. i tried explaining to my mom’s oncologist that it could be the mri contrast that’s causing her pain. she’s not buying it³gadolinium toxicity is not acknowledged by many medical professionals, esp those who are telling you to get the mri’s with contrast dye . in fact, the oncologist wants my mom to get another mri with contrast done on her pelvis, ugh.

there’s so much adrenaline running through my body, from seeing my mom in pain, then doing the research on the damage that gadolinium causes, on top of the  sleepless nights tending to her pain. i’m constantly afraid that she’s gonna fall and break her hip. everyday, the pain gets worse and new symptoms arise:  constipation, diarrhea, nausea, swollen feet, urinary retention.. are these side effects of the painkillers, or is it the gadolinium or is it the cancer??

my mom’s a tiger mom. a high protocol tiger mom. so not only is it painful to tend to her pain, it’s maddening as well when she asks you to do something while you’re in the middle of doing another thing for her and then she’ll micro-manage

.

“i’m not afraid of death. but I’m afraid of pain,” she says.

when the pain is so bad, she keeps telling you that she can’t take it anymore, she just wants to die.

so you look into end of life options aka assisted suicide. to reassure her that she does have a choice (and you hope that when given a choice, she would choose to live). apparently assisted suicide is legal in california. and there’s a dr in san diego who came highly recommended.

you hold it all together when you’re at home with your mom. you gotta be the strong and calm one. it’s when you’re in the car driving around running errands then can you finally let it out and scream and cry like a mad person

oh my god, i’m so tired. please help me..

.

in moments like these i have to remind myself

pain is a portal

we all go through our own season of sorrow

.

my mom and i spent 11 days at cedar sinai hospital while she was getting her radiation treatment. it was there among 5 teams of different doctors: oncologist, spinal surgeon, neurologist, pain management dr,

on july 21st, days after leaving the hospital with my mom, i get a phone call

my twin flame, my previous partner and dear friend, one of the most important people in my life

died in a fighter jet crash.

~

i can’t seem to write more than these few words to describe what i’ve been through

maybe on another day i can say and share more.

 

i have to remind myself that pain is a portal.

we all go through it at some point.

it can be heartache from a breakup

losing a loved one unexpectedly

taking care of your aging parents

or watching the livestreamed genocide on our phones

we all have our season of sorrow

to move through

.

i’m still deep in the portal.