The Pain Diaries
I can’t be on social media for more than 30 minutes a day. Even though that is where I’m getting my news:
ICE raids an elementary school graduation. Families are torn apart. I’m watching a clip of a mom clinging to the ground, crying and vomiting as she’s being detained as her son looks on in tears.
LA Protests. National guards.
Greta Thurnberg. Madleen boat mission. Got seized.
No Kings Protest.
The genocide continues. Do you remember when we had a ceasefire for a minute and all the Palestinians were celebrating, the looks of the children’s faces as if they made it through hell and survived. And then they took their word back and now they’re bombing and killing families trying to get food.
And now we ‘re about to go to war with Iran.
So many people are living a nightmare.
Is it bad that I’m quietly judging those who are posting about their glamorous life, like everything is normal.
My heart is breaking watching my mom suffer. And when I turn on the phone, it keeps on breaking.
~
Jun 19, 2025 5:32pm
I have written in a long time. All my energy is consumed by my mom’s pain. If I’m not taking care of her, I’m doing my research, on what this mysterious debilitating pain can be and how to treat it.
We’re collecting data, doing mri’s, finding nothing, revising our theories. But my latest theory is this: The doctor’s data collection is making her pain and condition worse.
In her second MRI, on her thoracic spine, something happened that was not part of the protocol. my mom felt it was strange that 20 minutes into the test, the bery unpleasant mri
June 5, 2025
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The way my mom appeared at the door with the mri technician with a smile.
Did we get it? I asked.
yeah we got it, he said with warmly
wow.
.
I wanted to say good luck to the older mom I was chatting with as she went in.
~
Mom’s joys, rewatching videos of her grandson. And the live babycam.
She says he’s just like dad the way he stammers and his mouth moves at first and finally words escape his mouth. She loves rewatching that video.
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The look on mom’s face when she sees N with his helmet on. Aww, poor thing.
`
I have to remember that these moments are precious. Me taking care of her. Even when I’m frustrated that she’s not taking her pills when I tell her to.
Even when she’s being high protocol micro-managing me.
Even when she’s telling me to do another thing for her as I’m in the middle of doing another task for her.
~
I did an Amazon oracle. Look up Chris Griscom’s other books because I’m in the mood for the books that are being channeled. And in the review of of one of her books, someone said that she’s too biased and that the best book to get it “Adventures Beyond the Body.” So I got that. And then I gor Buhlman’s other book, Secret of the Soul. Reading the reviews of that book led me to Astral Dynamics.
And just like that I’m gonna get into astral projecting.
~
I think that subconscious retail therapy is preparing me for mom’s death. So that I can communicate with her when she crosses over. Maybe it’ll make the grieving more bearable.
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If I want to soften my heart in moments of frustration, as having to play the frustrated and concerned parent, I think about the future, to the moment when she’s gone and it makes me remember, just pour your heart into it, take great care of her. You don’t want to live with even a smidge of regret that you didn’t give it your all.
~
My morning’s begin with a small window to myself. On a good day, when she’s not in pain, I feel at ease. On days when she’s in pain and
My stepdad is making pork noodle soup. I’m helping with boiling the macaroni.
~
Yesterday he made claypot catfish. Mom wasn’t a fan.
Wednesday, May 28, 2025 10:17pm – Orange County
I’m slightly high on the Medterra Max Relief 25mg CBD/2mg THC gummies, the ones that I got for mom, that she’s probably not gonna eat, beca
.
Mom just miraculously fell asleep without wincing in pain. Maybe spoke to soon, that lasted for like 5 min.
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The Bedtime Scaries
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We all have things we can justify spending money on. For me it’s anything health-related. Organic food, supplements, books.
My sister: handbags, shoes, foodie restautants
I did a great thing today: I upgraded my stepdad’s youtube to premium and now all of his and my mom’s devices can stream youtubead-free. The best use of $18.99 a month, considering how many hours youtube are on in the background streaming old episodes of Paris By Night.
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I’m not afraid of death, mom says proudly
I’m just afraid of pain, she says, wincing at the thought.
~
here mom is, facing her biggest fear.
and I get to move through this pain portal with her
crying with her, messaging salve on her, cooking for her, nourishing her
taking good care of her
and honestly I’m so grateful
that i can, i wouldn’t want it any other way
mom feels most safe with me.
she feels better when i’m here
~
Is there
It’s a good thing I’ve gotten off on cleaning.
these past few months, i’ve been really enjoying my cleaning meditations, a ritual /discipline that I cultivated while micro-dosing.
I now get off on cleaning. The act of looking back at the work you’ve just done, looking at how you made a space better, more pleasing to the eyes
~
I see Ocean Vuong on my IG almost everyday.
He’s made it big, he’s on Oprah.
He’s someone I admire and look up to.
In hopes that one day, I can write and share my story
of being a daughter of Vietnamese refugees.
We’re telling an interesting slice of the American Dream come true
from the perspective of a Diasporic Vietnamese American Artist
I hope one day I can be known as a an awesome Vietnamese writer like him.
~
Thoughts I had today while driving:
When in doubt, love your way out.
The most subrervise thing you can do to the patrarchy
is be a loving dominant
show that love is the most powerful force
the more you love yourself the more you can love others and the world around you.
the goal is unconditional love towards yourself and the world around you.
That’s a radical act, to love all, even the most hated.
~
I see my peers traveling the globe, meeting up, having decadent parties.
meanwhile i’m doing the most unglamorous and most meaningful thing I can be doing,
taking care of my mom as she’s going through what might be the worst physical pain she’s ever experienced in her life
it doesn’t get more real and human than that
~
it’s ironic that my mom watches her grandson on her phone through the nanit babycam app, watching him blissfully sleep in all the positions that he desires, spread out like a starfish, on his tummy, or on his side.
while mom struggles to find one position that doesn’t leave her in throbbing shooting pain down her right leg.
Things I’ve bought in the past month:
3 Biomats
6 different types of cold compress
The Vitality Chi Swing Machine
Back Brace